The medical industry has bought up doctors for too long

brendan_of_bonsai(4b AK)January 13, 2009

A riveting Onion story exposes all

WASHINGTONA two-year investigation conducted in five major cities has exposed a widespread campaign by the formidable Rest and Fluids industry to infiltrate thousands of doctors' offices and dictate how they treat minor illnesses.

Enlarge Image Doctor

This physician enjoyed an all-expenses-paid trip to Aspen, just for telling his patients to "relax."

The investigationÂthe full details of which will be disclosed in this newspaper over the coming monthsÂdocumented thousands of instances in which sick patients were repeatedly instructed, often verbatim, to "lie down and drink plenty of liquids." This treatment, recommended a staggering 4 out of 5 times on average, was in each case prescribed by a physician known to have recently enjoyed a golf vacation courtesy of Big Rest and Fluids.

"You have no idea how deep this goes," said Dr. X, a physician who wished to remain anonymous. "They've got everyone, from the pediatricians and family doctors, right on down to the school nurses. We've had the cure for the common cold for nearly 40 years, but it's still 'rest and fluids, rest and fluids.' Why? Because these guys are getting paid through the nose, that's why."

"The complimentary king-sized beds, the downy soft comforters, the absolutely ravishing women," Dr. X continued. "It's a sick, sick world."

The American Rest and Fluids industry first rose to prominence during the Great Influenza Pandemic of 1918, when there existed only meager competition from quarantines and prayer. After gaining influence during the '20s and '30s, mainly through mob connections and a few corrupt U.S. senators, R&F was again buoyed in 1947 following the introduction of employee sick days.

What began as a small-scale racket has today grown into a multinational organization, with billions of dollars devoted each year to pushing its pro-napping, broth-focused agenda.

"At this point, it may be impossible to unseat the power Rest and Fluids has over the American health system," patients rights activist Oren Michem said. "With their promises of free La-Z-Boy chairs and high-priced hotel rooms, it's no wonder they've cornered the cold market. Sure, they never come out and ask, 'Can Rest and Fluids count on your loyalty?' But the intention is obvious."

"It took my son nearly a week to stop sneezing and coughing," Michem added. "Who's to say a regimen of strenuous exercise and fasting wouldn't have helped him more?"

To date, no doctors have been willing to testify against these so-called Rest and Fluids "fat cats" for fear it would destroy their careers. In fact, a number of physicians have already been blackballed for prescribing echinacea and other over-the-counter remedies.

Worse yet, some fear violent retribution for not toeing the Rest and Fluids line. In 1997, four Chicago doctors who were known to prescribe cough syrup were found dead at the bottom of a pool of NyQuil. Officially, these deaths were blamed on the less-powerful Natural Causes industry, but many still believe the message delivered that day was clear.

Representatives of Rest and Fluids have refused to comment on the allegations.

"My clients have nothing to say about this or any other litigation involving R&F," said Robert Marconi, one of the industry's legion of high-paid defense attorneys. "Rest and Fluids has done nothing wrong and will fight these charges for as long as it takes. They can't prove a thing!"

With a recent $12.3 million donation to several prominent Washington bureaucrats, Rest and Fluids will most likely continue its stranglehold for decades to come. That is, unless one young and energetic nurse-practitioner from Louisiana has his say.

This newspaper has recently learned that whistle-blower Nathan Bellows has collected a mountain of evidence outlining years of blackmail and corruption on the part of R&F. Evidence, Bellows said, he plans to leak to 12 major media outlets later this week.

Bellows lives at 138 Juniper St., Apt. 3H, Folsom, LA, 70437. He goes jogging every morning around the nearby reservoir and is always alone.

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lucy(6)

Hi, I've just looked at the Onion website in some detail and it definitely appears to me to be a reactionary right wing politically motivated organization. That alone leads ME to question anything they have to say... but then that's just who I am.

    Bookmark   January 13, 2009 at 8:56AM
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brendan_of_bonsai(4b AK)

I especially liked this story highly reactionary perhaps, it was a page for a republican after all, but a great read, full of the same journalistic excellence that went into the story quoted here.

    Bookmark   January 13, 2009 at 9:06AM
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rusty_blackhaw(6a)

The weird thing is, sometimes life imitates the Onion.

This past Friday in the Wall St. Journal, Deepak Chopra M.D. and some colleagues, in arguing on behalf of alternative medicine, claimed that diet and lifestyle interventions are key facets of alt med that mainstream medicine is now adopting. No, really.

Never mind that encouraging more healthful diets, promoting exercise and relief of stress have long been a part of mainstream medicine, Chopra and his buddies are promoting the strawman argument that they deserve the credit for these interventions.

A nice takedown of these pretensions can be found here (you have to scroll down the page partway to find the article).

    Bookmark   January 13, 2009 at 9:27AM
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luckygal(3b)

What does any of this have to do with herbalism?

The Onion is satire. Not a "real" news source.

Some of you need to grow up.

    Bookmark   January 13, 2009 at 7:00PM
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brendan_of_bonsai(4b AK)

All of medicine is intertwined, this is an article satirizing medical conspiracies, which have been a strong theme in this forum.

    Bookmark   January 13, 2009 at 7:08PM
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luckygal(3b)

This has been a strong theme on this forum only because some people are against herbalism or any form of natural medical treatment and like to confuse those who are not well versed in either herbalism or medicine.

    Bookmark   January 13, 2009 at 9:11PM
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brendan_of_bonsai(4b AK)

A strong theme is a strong theme.

This article satirizes your point of view, you can disagree with it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't belong, unless you are into censorship. Personally I think Censorship is one of the worst forms of argument.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2009 at 1:15AM
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rusty_blackhaw(6a)

"(Conspiracies by the medical establishment have) been a strong theme on this forum only because some people are against herbalism or any form of natural medical treatment and like to confuse those who are not well versed in either herbalism or medicine."

Nonexistent conspiracies have been harped on by a small minority of posters, who prefer to demonize people they disagree with rather than calmly discuss topics using evidence.

While much of herbalism is based on folklore and anecdote, some of it does qualify as evidence-based medicine. Encouraging that part and helping to make the useless or even harmful parts obsolete makes you pro-herbalism, not anti.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2009 at 8:57AM
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oakleif(z6 AR)

eric and brendon, You two have turned me off to any medical declarations by any medical people anywhere. What is so bad you don't have a clue about how you really sound. I came here looking for herbal advise long ago and Lucy,eric and later brendon ganged up for the medical industry against anything herbal. Now i'm really gung ho for herbalism after learning how intelligent the reps from the medical industry are here.

Welcome back lil lucy! She loves to parrot everything eric says. Of course she and Bren are good friends from the bonsai forum.She also knows nothing about herbs and does'nt use them. but whatever eric says, to her is gospel. What forum was that you went to lucy? How to budget? Hows the weather in Toranto?
Brendon, the whole world knows American doctors are for sale,except for a few good doctors. I beleive that same person in LA also captured the Faulk monster a few years ago.
Actually i thought it was good satire about the dumb medical system.

    Bookmark   January 16, 2009 at 1:48AM
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brendan_of_bonsai(4b AK)

You are blaming us for something that happened years before we wrote anything that you saw, that rings hollow with me. I brought up evidence and asked for evidence, that's all.

Lucy and I actually argued bitterly right before I became active in this forum, a big long fight where I was nastier to her than I ever was to anyone here, but once we were off the subject on which we disagree we were able to get along quite well, it wasn't an alliance it was a common understanding and the fact that both Lucy and I aren't the type to hold grudges.

Glad you likes the Satire.

    Bookmark   January 16, 2009 at 2:15AM
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rusty_blackhaw(6a)

"I came here looking for herbal advise long ago and Lucy,eric and later brendon ganged up for the medical industry against anything herbal."

I think what you're referring to is the thread in which you announced you were dropping all your heart failure meds and wanted to know what herbs to use instead. You were unhappy to be advised to consult your physician before making such a momentous decision.

Occasionally some supporter of folklore-based herbalism will post here, complaining about how advocates for evidence-based medicine (herbal or otherwise) are supposedly turning off people and convincing them not to use science to help make decisions about their health. You'd think they'd be happy about that since it would mean converts to their way of thinking, but they're not. More likely, they're concerned that many forum visitors actually do appreciate having good evidence and are open to the idea of complementary medicine instead of having a rigid anti-mainstream medicine position.

    Bookmark   January 16, 2009 at 9:11AM
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