sustainability essay - link:

gardenlen(s/e qld aust)November 6, 2007

g'day friends,

just completed an essay on sustainability here is the link:

sustainability essay


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hamiltongardener(CAN 6a)

Hey Len,

Please take this as constructive criticism. I agree with the premise, but not the delivery. This'll be a little harsh.

The essay is EXTREMELY difficult to read due to the run-on sentences. Take a look over it and try to replace at least half of the commas with periods, preferably in appropriate places.

Additionally, it reads like a disjointed rant. The use of sarcasm, especially when it's repeated adds to the look of a rant rather than professionalism.

It also seems a bit condecending:
"Feel Good" difference are all that comes into play, "Oh it's better than nothing" (is it?), "Oh I feel good, I feel like I am making a difference"

No thought is given to land aspect anymore most or dare i say all of the younger players now have no idea of those values, no thought to the aspect or orientation of the house anymore, just indoctrinated industry standard coded macmansions.

The Affluent Lifestyle Macmansion, pretty aren't they? Appeal to the heart don't they? That is how they are presented and onsold to the puppet consumers.

If your target audience is the ignorant masses and your goal is to educate them, don't speak as though you are superior to them. Also, it's difficult for an audience to stomach someone speaking down to them when his writing lacks punctuation, continuity and correct spelling. (It's McMansion. )

A little more general organization of ideas, leading from problems to solutions (without the abrasiveness) and a wrap-up of your thoughts at the end which are more closely related to the things discussed in the essay would be helpful. I found your conclusion left me confused.

Seems everyone is wanting more money spent on essentials ie.,. health, education, emergency services even roads, yet the Government doesn't have a bottomless pit of tax payer funds (and there again tax payers always welcome reduced taxation)at the ready. And then most expect rebates on all mentioned above and even on giving birth, on rents etc.,. none of which was available to the older community, if we didn't need it then why do we need it now?

I hope this helps. I'd love to read your refined version.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2007 at 8:20PM
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If the purpose of the essay is persuade the sleepwalkers to wake up, then I think the tone and content are wrong. It's a good rant, though. If you could fix the grammar and do a heavy-handed edit for clarity and organization, you'd have a better piece, I think.

The concept of sustainability is far greater than the issues you focus on: land use, housing, and food production. Only a few pre-industrial societies have ever been "sustainable"-- that is, they had stable populations, did not acquire wealth/surpluses, and did not destroy habitat.

Human greed and destructiveness are not innate to our species. Whether or not we can deliberately create a sustainable society is a fascinating question involving the dynamics of human nature, human institutions (especially corporate capitalism), and finite "resources" on planet earth.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2007 at 11:13AM
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