OT Heading to California

Ament(5a SD)November 4, 2011

Oy! the last week or so has been crazy for me.

My Mother has been diagnosed with cancer, so I'm off to California tomorrow. I will be gone for two weeks, I'm bringing my mother home with me for treatment. =D She wants to live here with me while she goes through treatment. She said her two week visit here with us was so happy that she needs to be HERE instead of at her own home so she can deal with this.

I cannot express just how happy hearing that made me. So, I will make the trip to bring my mom home. Then we will make this journey together. Where ever it takes us. I know it will be a long road ahead, a tough one, but we will make this trip together. =) And that means so much to me, having her here with me.

So now I'll be so busy it'll be hectic as all get out, but I will make the effort to return here, as often as I can. I know I will require -me- time. So I will devote time to my hobbies as well as my mom. It'll just be less time here on the message boards. =) But I'll pop in whenever I can.

I just didn't want to be here one day, then Poof! Gone the next, so I figured I'd post and let you all know what's going on. =)

Bright Blessings All!

~Tina

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Loveplants2 8b Virginia Beach, Virginia

Hello Everybody,

Tina,

I just wanted to say that my thoughts and prayers with be with you on the journey to go and help your mother...

You are doing such a wonderful thing to go and bring her home with you where she wants to be. That is the most important thing...

I know times can be tough on us sometimes, believe me ..I have been through the same thing with my father. The time that we shared together means more to me than anything.

The forum will still be here when you get back!!! We will miss your wonderful personality, but know that you are doing something more important.

Being with her is the most wonderful gift you will have.

Enjoy your time together!!!

We will miss you...

Take a few minutes for yourself in beautiful California...feel the warm sunshine and know that you are on a journey that you and your mom will always remember...

Life is good!!!

Take care Tina...we are thinking of you and your mom!!!

: )

Laura in VB

    Bookmark   November 4, 2011 at 8:04PM
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tdogdad(Zone 9)

I'm with Laura. A positive atmosphere is very helpful in these situations. Hope all goes well. Where are you going in Calif. If near Orange County, contact me and you can take back something to brighten your winter. Bill

    Bookmark   November 5, 2011 at 12:51AM
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jandey1(TX8)

Tina, I'm so sorry to hear your mother is not well, but I'm very glad she will be staying with you--you seem like a very positive, happy person and that is just what she needs! My sincerest wishes that she responds well to her treatment and recovers fully. Just pop in on us when you can!

Jen

    Bookmark   November 6, 2011 at 1:44PM
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chuy415

Tina
I am very sorry to hear about your mother- But with a daughter like yourself, so positive, happy and bringing her back with you where she wants to be will make her and yourself pull through together and my prayers are with you. I wish you both the very best and being together will make everything better and very special!!

Chuy

    Bookmark   November 7, 2011 at 2:18PM
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Loveplants2 8b Virginia Beach, Virginia

Hi Tina,

Thinking of you at this time...

I hope all is well with you and your mom!!

Remember that this is such a special time that you will share, we are here when you have the time.

We are thinking of you and want you to know that you are missed...

Take care of yourself and your wonderful mom.

Laura in VB

    Bookmark   November 17, 2011 at 12:32AM
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Loveplants2 8b Virginia Beach, Virginia

Hello Everyone...

Just another friendly "BUMP" for Tina so she will see this thread on top when she does have the chance to visit the forums!!!

Bump... LOL

Laura in VB

    Bookmark   November 19, 2011 at 10:14PM
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Ament(5a SD)

So sorry I did not make it to Orange county Bill, I so would have loved to.

Unfortunately, I ran out of time to do so. You see, it was go go go from the moment the plane touched down. My youngest sibling totally dumped everything in my lap the moment I arrived there.

For the first week, appointments every day nearly. Blood draws, Dr's in the town mom lived in, Travis AFB as well. So from Concord to Travis. Wheel Chair bound, with Oxygen. Mom did not do well at all. Oxygen machine was not running properly either, so I had trouble refilling her oxygen too! What a running nightmare it was. From the get go!

I made the absolute best of the situation for my mother as I possibly could. Trying to keep her spirits up. I even took the time to redo her fingernails, refill her nails and repaint them. Every time she wished them repainted. From one color to another. LoL Pale purples, pinks, whatever her wishes. No problem. Any time she wanted her hair brushed, I brushed it. She wanted little do dads put in her hair, I did that. She needed bathed, I did that too. Wiped, washed, gently brushed a tear away, I did that. Anything required. I did it. I was her daughter, her friend, her hair dresser, her nurse. Her care giver to the end. Unfortunately Cancer took my mother from me on November 17th at 1:05am.

So now I have a major hole in my heart, a loss in my life that I cannot fill. Cannot ever fill again. I do not know how to fill this hole. I do not think I can ever fill this hole in my life. This missing part of myself. One never realizes just how much a part of ones self goes missing until they lose it. Those of you who have been down this road, will know what I speak of. Those of you who have been here, in my shoes, will understand what I speak of when I say I hurt, so terribly. So empty...

Just so lonely.

And yet, for my daughters sake, I must appear strong. I cannot allow her to view just how painful it truly has been for me, because in my pain, it causes her even more pain.

You see, she, like me... is a caregiver.

Being a Caregiver, you give of yourself far more than you ever take. And that can never be returned to yourself.

So now, I've lost something of Me, that I cannot ever regain. Something of Me that I just cannot ever heal.

Not even my plants have helped.

And I've tried.

I will survive this, but I don't know what shape I will be in, when I recover, what form it will take. =)

I am grateful for my friends here, on GW. People here make it a little bit easier to survive the pain. So I have to thank you all for listening to my hurts.

~Tina

    Bookmark   November 29, 2011 at 5:37PM
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Loveplants2 8b Virginia Beach, Virginia

Tina,

Im so sorry for your loss and i truly understand what you're going thru...

As i read your post, i cant help but feel your pain...

Sometimes we are left by others holding the weight on our shoulders by other family members...we do what we know is right.. What you did was love your mom.

She felt your love the whole time you were there and even when you were not.

Time will help you...it might not feel like it now, but you will start to feel better. Think of all of the love that you both shared together.

If I had to do it all over again and do the same thing that you did for your mom as I did for my father, I wouldnt change one single thing. I will always cherish the time we spent together.

The hurt is truly painful... I know.

But you will get stronger each day. Your mother would want you to feel better. You will, maybe not tomorrow or next week, but in time you will...

We have been thinking of you and want you to know that we have missed you!!

Please find comfort in your family and friends ...

I wish that i could give you a hug...

Laura

    Bookmark   November 29, 2011 at 6:46PM
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jandey1(TX8)

Tina, I am so very sorry to hear that your mom is gone. I hope the time you were able to spend with her gives you only warm memories. You are obviously a fantastic daughter and she was fortunate to have you there at the end.

    Bookmark   November 30, 2011 at 7:39PM
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tdogdad(Zone 9)

Tina- What Laura said is so true. You were fortunate to have some quality time with your mom in the end. That you were there for everything and she knew you were there will help fill the hole. With my parents I did not have this and there is so much I would have said and done if I had the opportunity. You shared those final moments which is so valuable to both of you. Later you will recognize how fortunate you were to have these moments. The best of your mom will be passed through you to your daughter and on. She will live on in your heart and actions. Bless you. Bill

    Bookmark   December 1, 2011 at 2:03AM
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Ament(5a SD)

Ah, I don't know how to express just how grateful I am to have you guys all here able to help me express how crappy I felt, how sad, how happy the memories were, just how lonely, how angry my brother made me, so many feelings. It's crazy to go from one end of the emotional scale to the other, so swiftly!

I've had such terrible headaches for several days and I know it's from the stress, the emotions. I just wish they'd go away. I know what's causing it. And I know I cannot do a blasted thing about it really. Not until my body allows it. I've tried meditating. LoL I've tried relaxing, resting, chilling out. None of it has really helped. So I figure all I can do now is just slog through it, till my body says Okay, I give. LOL

It is nice to come here, read your kind words my friends. It does salve the pain a bit. Sometimes. Other times it causes such pain. The other day, I couldn't even read because of the tears. =) Today, not nearly so bad as it was that day. Thank the Gods for that! I realize there will be ups and downs. Today is a middle of the road day. For which I am thankful. I need a middle of the road day.

For now, I will head out and work on a lovely lap blanket, it's in pinks and white. When finished I will take a photo and share it with you all. =)

~Tina

    Bookmark   December 1, 2011 at 2:46PM
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sunseeker53(10a CA USA)

Tina, I'm very sorry to hear about your mom, but she must have passed away happy, knowing she was very much loved.
I too lost my Dad a few years ago to cancer, shortly before Thanksgiving, and I was lucky to be there during his last days; I was with him when he took his last breath. So I can very much imagine your pain. Like you I felt lost in a huge big hole, but luckily with the help of my doctor I was able to go on. Please take care of yourself even if you don't feel like it. It's hard but time does lessen the pain eventually. My thoughts are with you. Take care!

    Bookmark   December 1, 2011 at 8:52PM
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Dave in NoVA • 7a • Northern VA

Tina,

How very sad as I read thru this thread. I'm so sorry for the pain you are going thru. It really sucks that we all will go this way -- to die, that is. I don't believe that was what God had originally intended.

But you don't have to be 'strong' for your daughter. She will see how much you loved your Mother! You will never get over the hole in your heart, but your Mother's presence will always be a part of you in some way, I think. All she taught you and the memories of how she sacrificed for you when you were a child. And you were such a blessing to her in her last days! What a witness for your daughter!

I don't know what else to say, so I'll just close now. Know that the GW Plumeria community is thinking of you.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2011 at 9:20AM
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pcput

Tina, I'm just trying to catch up on all the posts as I was gone over Thanksgiving and ended up in the hospital. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am to hear of your loss. I loss my Dad almost 3 years ago and my Mom 8 years ago. Your right that the hole will never be filled but it does get a little smaller with time. It was great that you got to spend time with her and I'm sure it meant a lot to her. We are never ready to let them go. So many have written such wonderful words here that I can't even come close to matching them. I hope they bring you comfort and hope for an early spring to bring lots of plumeria blooms. Peg

    Bookmark   December 9, 2011 at 8:42PM
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