Here's a funny

jolanawebJune 22, 2006

Professional Fighting

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?"

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pjtexgirl(7b DFW)

LOL! I almost snorted! PJ

    Bookmark   June 22, 2006 at 1:13PM
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petra_gw

Good one, Jolana!! :):):)

    Bookmark   June 22, 2006 at 1:18PM
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Dena Walters

ROFL....whew..thanx miss jolana..did I ever need that today!!!!
Dena

    Bookmark   June 22, 2006 at 8:55PM
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jolanaweb

TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

    Bookmark   June 22, 2006 at 9:21PM
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jolanaweb

Ya Got To Luv Um

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster
the boss asked," Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked," Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again
the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there
besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be
doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the
policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child." Busy doing
what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman",
came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on
there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me"

    Bookmark   June 23, 2006 at 8:48AM
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petra_gw

Haha, those are good!! Try to say the #3 Darth Vader thing really, really fast, hehe.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2006 at 12:58PM
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petra_gw

Heaven and Hell

Heaven Is Where:

The French are the chefs
The Italians are the lovers
The British are the police
The Germans are the mechanics
And the Swiss make everything run on time

Hell is Where:

The British are the chefs
The Swiss are the lovers
The French are the mechanics
The Italians make everything run on time
And the Germans are the police

    Bookmark   June 23, 2006 at 1:05PM
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jolanaweb

I think that would be hell.
Why aren't the Swiss lovers

    Bookmark   June 23, 2006 at 2:12PM
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petra_gw

Geez, picky, picky!! The Swiss are too unimaginative, hehe. But the Italians should be the cooks, I like Italian food better than French. Well, except for the pastries, can't beat French Pastries.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2006 at 5:05PM
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pjtexgirl(7b DFW)

LOL!!! That little girl is as naughty as our own Goober Girl!!!
In my own personal experience I'd the list as is.
1.Even the NAMES of British food sounds bad. "Bangers and mash/spotted dick/ and chips n eggs"
2.What does Swiss cheese tell ya?(snicker)They are very meticulous watch makers. Meticulous is good for making watches.... not um y'know....
3.French Wine is wonderful
4.My DH aint Italian so I ain't admitting to nothin.
5.I'm in love with an Italian sports car(Bugatti)and the Italian motorcycle(Ducati) but I've heard good things about Mercedes and Audi.They're cute cars anyway.
6.Even the thought of German police makes me nervous.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2006 at 8:20PM
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petra_gw

PJ, re. German police officers, they just get a bad rep because of old Nazi movies. My Halfbrother has been a Police Officer in Germany for 20 years, and my uncle was one for decades. Nicest guys you'd ever want to meet. :o)

As for the British food, bangers and mash and chips and eggs are actually pretty good!! As for the other one you mentioned, it sounds like it would require medical attention and lots of antibiotics. :o)

    Bookmark   June 23, 2006 at 10:04PM
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carolann_z8(8)

You guys are soooo funny.

I love Monalisa.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2006 at 1:07PM
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pjtexgirl(7b DFW)

I know I know...it's never good to stereotype. But it does make for humor!Heck, I even tell pretty good(usually racy) blonde jokes. If you can't laugh at yourself....:^)
Spotted dick does sound really icky doesn't it?PJ

    Bookmark   June 24, 2006 at 4:33PM
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petra_gw

Hehe...

How did the blond explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2006 at 5:18PM
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jolanaweb

A Dose of HMO's Own Medicine

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.

Doctor: "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people."

St. Peter: "That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?"

Nurse: "I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult."

St. Peter: "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?"

Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: "I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country."

St. Peter: "Oh, I see. Please go in.. but you can only stay two nights!"

    Bookmark   June 25, 2006 at 11:29AM
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sally2_gw

Hee hee hee.....those are all funny.

I say let the French and the Italians be the cooks! They can take turns.

Here's one my DH's cousin sent me.

This happened about a month ago just outside of Willmar, a little town In the back country of Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a Real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike In the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride really bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be hard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Willmar. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two Shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped the place and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy had to be telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin It in the rain."

Sally

    Bookmark   June 26, 2006 at 11:02AM
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jolanaweb

Hehehehe, OMG, that haaaaad me going all of the way. I was imagining all sorts of weird endings, lol

    Bookmark   June 26, 2006 at 11:54AM
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pjtexgirl(7b DFW)

Me too! Love the blonde joke lol!

Subject: How many cows do you have ????

A Montana cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. government" says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie,"but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows........ Now give me back my dog."

    Bookmark   June 26, 2006 at 2:35PM
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jolanaweb

I thought I responded to this one
Really good one PJ, lol

A Very Deep Hole

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Geeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... have you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

    Bookmark   July 3, 2006 at 10:37AM
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Jacquelyn8b(8b)

A cowboy gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding and tried to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Y'all havin' problems with circle flies?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are
you callin' me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's good," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though!"

    Bookmark   July 3, 2006 at 11:03AM
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jolanaweb

Hehehehehe

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Seven hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what
was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my Dress Size, you dufus!"

    Bookmark   July 5, 2006 at 9:25AM
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jolanaweb

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush? "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."

    Bookmark   July 6, 2006 at 9:02AM
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Jacquelyn8b(8b)

True, scary and occasionally funny...

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Marine Corps training manual

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Pilot training manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General Macarthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you ... panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance officer

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
- Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base, Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where the hell are we?"
"Oh S**t!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII:
"When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible."

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rules:
"Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

    Bookmark   July 14, 2006 at 11:19AM
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carolann_z8(8)

Joke #1.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

Joke#2
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Joke #3.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

    Bookmark   July 14, 2006 at 3:37PM
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carolann_z8(8)

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2006 at 3:39PM
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jolanaweb

Jac, some of those gave me goosebumps
CarolAnn I think those kiddos are my nieces and nephews, LOL

    Bookmark   July 14, 2006 at 10:22PM
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malmason(9, Houston TX)

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk
the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives
to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think
is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

    Bookmark   July 26, 2006 at 5:50PM
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pjtexgirl(7b DFW)

LOL! PJ

    Bookmark   July 27, 2006 at 1:46PM
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jolanaweb

Hehehehe

    Bookmark   July 27, 2006 at 1:58PM
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