Humor: God's Lawn Conversation with St. Francis

tom796katy_z9(8b)August 8, 2006

"Lawns and God" .....

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is

going on down there in the USA?

What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons

ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any

type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon.

The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attract butterflies, honey bees

and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.

But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.

They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill

them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract

butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental

with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing


ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep

it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any

other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.

That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut

it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? ... Why? .... Is it a cash crop? ... Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.

And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on

the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a

lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops

growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they

can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer

stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring

to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In autumn they fall to the ground

and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the

trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the

soil. It is a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new

circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay

to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter

and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something

which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of

the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,

you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a real stupid movie about......

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

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mikeandbarb(z8 D/FW)

I needed this thank you for the grins.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2006 at 12:06AM
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pjtexgirl(7b DFW)

I laugh and think of this when my neighbors think I'm nuts for taking their leaves and putting them on my lawn! PJ

    Bookmark   August 9, 2006 at 1:08AM
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rick_mcdaniel(Lewisville, TX)

Precisely why we shouldn't plant grass.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2006 at 1:17PM
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pjtexgirl(7b DFW)

I wish grass was as easy to get rid of as it is to start!PJ

    Bookmark   August 9, 2006 at 4:07PM
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This is why I don't have any grass!
Tally HO!

    Bookmark   August 9, 2006 at 4:10PM
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Amazing, isn't it, lol

    Bookmark   August 9, 2006 at 10:34PM
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stitches216(8/9 Hou-Galv)

Silly weeduz...gwass is fo SMOKIN'! N smokin's fo COOKIN'!

(was going to say, "N smokin's fo FOOZ!" but too many "weeduz" ain't smokin', and theyz still fooz)

    Bookmark   August 10, 2006 at 1:07PM
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