Satirical Garden Glossary- Hilarious!

wild_belief(7b)July 22, 2010

Hi all, I've wandered over from the Hydrangeas forum. I figured this was probably an appropriate place for this hilarious glossary I rediscovered a few weeks back- it was originally printed in the Fall 1999 catalog for my family's nursery. Written by Shawn Walls and Gene Griffith- if you like wordplay and gardening, read on!

APIARIST: Someone who plays the bee (See Tetradium danielli).

BISEXUALITY: Said after having children.

BUD SCALE: A measurement of "man"-hood by watery beer consumption.

BURGANDY: Horticultural spelling of "burgundy."

CATKIN: Lions, tigers, and...

CHEZE-BALL: Someone who steals somebody else's plant and patents it under a ludicrous, unpronounceable "name". (See Buddleia globosa).

CONDITIONAL UNGUARANTEE: A guarantee that applies to nothing, esp. under certain conditions.

CORM: Delicious with butter.(See EMARGINATE.)

DECIDUOUS: Vacillation with a tendency toward making a decision this century.

EMARGINATE: A poor substitute for butter.

ENTIRE: All there. (See OBTUSE.)

EXFOLIATING: Of or pertaining to a bark tease-show.

FLORIFEROUS: A hard word to say without teeth.

FRUCTAL: Pertaining to prurient fruit-bearing; e.g., "full fructal nudity" as in Pinus.

GNOZAM: Flotsam or jetsam; we don't gno which.

GYMNOSPERM: Well, actually, Gym's a woman.

HABIT: That annoying thing you keep doing over and over. QUIT!

HIRSUTE: A coarse animal shirt worn as a penance (pronounced "hairsuit"; see Rhododendron viscosum).

INFLORESCENCE: The place where all your skin color is removed and coffee is your only hope. (See Dilbert.)

LAVENDAR: Horticultural spelling of "lavender".

LENTICELS: Brown legumes used in thimble-sized portions of soup or rice.

MAUVE: A color that is usually absent from male brains, although often used horticulturally as interchangeable with lilac and lavender. (See LAVENDAR.)

NATIVE: a) Ecology: an organism born in one's immediate surroundings b) Politics: an organism born in the U.S., including Hawaii

NEEDLETS: Small needs but of great consequence, you heartless oaf. (See Cedrus libani var. brevifolia).

NOMENCLATURE: The systematic approach to screwing up all previous plant knowledge you had going into last weekend.

NOSEGAY: Don't ask, don't tell. (See Sarcococca orientalis).

NOSE-WATERING: A term used to describe a plant that is fragrant and delectable, or if allergic, to describe those who likely need a dose of Nasalcrom. (See Daphne x burwoodii 'Carol Mackie'.)

NUGGETARIAN: The smallest unit of measurement of attractive shrubs. Also the zodiacal sign of those born on Leap Day. (See Pieris j. 'Sarabande'.)

OBTUSE: Not all there; not getting it. (See ENTIRE.)

PAPPUS: Latin for "daddy".

PARTHENOCARPIC: Of or pertaining to a Greek fish.

POLYGAMO-DIOECIOUS: Not specific to Utah, this approach to fruit-bearing involves the following tactic: the female plant will cross-pollinate with any male plant within bee or wind distance. If that doesn't work then who needs men, anyway? By Jove, she'll just pollinate herself. (See Morus australis 'Unryu'.)

PUBESCENT: Smothered in soft hairs and wanting the car, Mom.

SECATEURS: Hand-held pruning tool (pronounced "snips").

SHRUBBERY: See Monty Python and the Holy Grail

SPECIFIC EPITHET: Grandma's term for people who rub her raw; e.g., "Well, that specific epithet raised his porkchop prices again!"

TAXONOMY: The fifth book of the Old Testament.

TUBER: One o' them tops that Thelma-Bob where's out to the bar.

UNDULATE: Not on time for what was not the deadline.

VERBURNUM: AVibena. (See NOMENCLATURE.)

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