Satirical Garden Glossary- Hilarious!

wild_belief(7b)July 22, 2010

Hi all, I've wandered over from the Hydrangeas forum. I figured this was probably an appropriate place for this hilarious glossary I rediscovered a few weeks back- it was originally printed in the Fall 1999 catalog for my family's nursery. Written by Shawn Walls and Gene Griffith- if you like wordplay and gardening, read on!

APIARIST: Someone who plays the bee (See Tetradium danielli).

BISEXUALITY: Said after having children.

BUD SCALE: A measurement of "man"-hood by watery beer consumption.

BURGANDY: Horticultural spelling of "burgundy."

CATKIN: Lions, tigers, and...

CHEZE-BALL: Someone who steals somebody else's plant and patents it under a ludicrous, unpronounceable "name". (See Buddleia globosa).

CONDITIONAL UNGUARANTEE: A guarantee that applies to nothing, esp. under certain conditions.

CORM: Delicious with butter.(See EMARGINATE.)

DECIDUOUS: Vacillation with a tendency toward making a decision this century.

EMARGINATE: A poor substitute for butter.

ENTIRE: All there. (See OBTUSE.)

EXFOLIATING: Of or pertaining to a bark tease-show.

FLORIFEROUS: A hard word to say without teeth.

FRUCTAL: Pertaining to prurient fruit-bearing; e.g., "full fructal nudity" as in Pinus.

GNOZAM: Flotsam or jetsam; we don't gno which.

GYMNOSPERM: Well, actually, Gym's a woman.

HABIT: That annoying thing you keep doing over and over. QUIT!

HIRSUTE: A coarse animal shirt worn as a penance (pronounced "hairsuit"; see Rhododendron viscosum).

INFLORESCENCE: The place where all your skin color is removed and coffee is your only hope. (See Dilbert.)

LAVENDAR: Horticultural spelling of "lavender".

LENTICELS: Brown legumes used in thimble-sized portions of soup or rice.

MAUVE: A color that is usually absent from male brains, although often used horticulturally as interchangeable with lilac and lavender. (See LAVENDAR.)

NATIVE: a) Ecology: an organism born in one's immediate surroundings b) Politics: an organism born in the U.S., including Hawaii

NEEDLETS: Small needs but of great consequence, you heartless oaf. (See Cedrus libani var. brevifolia).

NOMENCLATURE: The systematic approach to screwing up all previous plant knowledge you had going into last weekend.

NOSEGAY: Don't ask, don't tell. (See Sarcococca orientalis).

NOSE-WATERING: A term used to describe a plant that is fragrant and delectable, or if allergic, to describe those who likely need a dose of Nasalcrom. (See Daphne x burwoodii 'Carol Mackie'.)

NUGGETARIAN: The smallest unit of measurement of attractive shrubs. Also the zodiacal sign of those born on Leap Day. (See Pieris j. 'Sarabande'.)

OBTUSE: Not all there; not getting it. (See ENTIRE.)

PAPPUS: Latin for "daddy".

PARTHENOCARPIC: Of or pertaining to a Greek fish.

POLYGAMO-DIOECIOUS: Not specific to Utah, this approach to fruit-bearing involves the following tactic: the female plant will cross-pollinate with any male plant within bee or wind distance. If that doesn't work then who needs men, anyway? By Jove, she'll just pollinate herself. (See Morus australis 'Unryu'.)

PUBESCENT: Smothered in soft hairs and wanting the car, Mom.

SECATEURS: Hand-held pruning tool (pronounced "snips").

SHRUBBERY: See Monty Python and the Holy Grail

SPECIFIC EPITHET: Grandma's term for people who rub her raw; e.g., "Well, that specific epithet raised his porkchop prices again!"

TAXONOMY: The fifth book of the Old Testament.

TUBER: One o' them tops that Thelma-Bob where's out to the bar.

UNDULATE: Not on time for what was not the deadline.

VERBURNUM: AVibena. (See NOMENCLATURE.)

Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
copywritting
CAN ANYONE GIVE ME ADVICE ON GARDENING COPY WRITING...
PT61
Garden Writing, an uncertain art
One problem with writing about gardens and plants is...
John_D
Gardening Haiku Contest
Haiku poems generally contain about a dozen words....
paloaltomark
Poetry - Why to plant a garden
Hello! I'm teaching a college speech class this week...
mmiesse
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™