Satirical Garden Glossary- Hilarious!
Hi all, I've wandered over from the Hydrangeas forum. I figured this was probably an appropriate place for this hilarious glossary I rediscovered a few weeks back- it was originally printed in the Fall 1999 catalog for my family's nursery. Written by Shawn Walls and Gene Griffith- if you like wordplay and gardening, read on!
APIARIST: Someone who plays the bee (See Tetradium danielli).
BISEXUALITY: Said after having children.
BUD SCALE: A measurement of "man"-hood by watery beer consumption.
BURGANDY: Horticultural spelling of "burgundy."
CATKIN: Lions, tigers, and...
CHEZE-BALL: Someone who steals somebody else's plant and patents it under a ludicrous, unpronounceable "name". (See Buddleia globosa).
CONDITIONAL UNGUARANTEE: A guarantee that applies to nothing, esp. under certain conditions.
CORM: Delicious with butter.(See EMARGINATE.)
DECIDUOUS: Vacillation with a tendency toward making a decision this century.
EMARGINATE: A poor substitute for butter.
ENTIRE: All there. (See OBTUSE.)
EXFOLIATING: Of or pertaining to a bark tease-show.
FLORIFEROUS: A hard word to say without teeth.
FRUCTAL: Pertaining to prurient fruit-bearing; e.g., "full fructal nudity" as in Pinus.
GNOZAM: Flotsam or jetsam; we don't gno which.
GYMNOSPERM: Well, actually, Gym's a woman.
HABIT: That annoying thing you keep doing over and over. QUIT!
HIRSUTE: A coarse animal shirt worn as a penance (pronounced "hairsuit"; see Rhododendron viscosum).
INFLORESCENCE: The place where all your skin color is removed and coffee is your only hope. (See Dilbert.)
LAVENDAR: Horticultural spelling of "lavender".
LENTICELS: Brown legumes used in thimble-sized portions of soup or rice.
MAUVE: A color that is usually absent from male brains, although often used horticulturally as interchangeable with lilac and lavender. (See LAVENDAR.)
NATIVE: a) Ecology: an organism born in one's immediate surroundings b) Politics: an organism born in the U.S., including Hawaii
NEEDLETS: Small needs but of great consequence, you heartless oaf. (See Cedrus libani var. brevifolia).
NOMENCLATURE: The systematic approach to screwing up all previous plant knowledge you had going into last weekend.
NOSEGAY: Don't ask, don't tell. (See Sarcococca orientalis).
NOSE-WATERING: A term used to describe a plant that is fragrant and delectable, or if allergic, to describe those who likely need a dose of Nasalcrom. (See Daphne x burwoodii 'Carol Mackie'.)
NUGGETARIAN: The smallest unit of measurement of attractive shrubs. Also the zodiacal sign of those born on Leap Day. (See Pieris j. 'Sarabande'.)
OBTUSE: Not all there; not getting it. (See ENTIRE.)
PAPPUS: Latin for "daddy".
PARTHENOCARPIC: Of or pertaining to a Greek fish.
POLYGAMO-DIOECIOUS: Not specific to Utah, this approach to fruit-bearing involves the following tactic: the female plant will cross-pollinate with any male plant within bee or wind distance. If that doesn't work then who needs men, anyway? By Jove, she'll just pollinate herself. (See Morus australis 'Unryu'.)
PUBESCENT: Smothered in soft hairs and wanting the car, Mom.
SECATEURS: Hand-held pruning tool (pronounced "snips").
SHRUBBERY: See Monty Python and the Holy Grail
SPECIFIC EPITHET: Grandma's term for people who rub her raw; e.g., "Well, that specific epithet raised his porkchop prices again!"
TAXONOMY: The fifth book of the Old Testament.
TUBER: One o' them tops that Thelma-Bob where's out to the bar.
UNDULATE: Not on time for what was not the deadline.
VERBURNUM: AVibena. (See NOMENCLATURE.)