FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS,

> THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

> FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT'S A TRUE STORY.

>

> The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

>

> Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are

> yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and

> contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my

> plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food

> and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

>

> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a

> racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the

> object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster

> than you can run.

>

> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am

> very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue

> sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.

> Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they

> sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each

> other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I

> also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues

> hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

>

> For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!

> If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door

> shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the

> knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the

> door. I must exit through the same door I entered.

> Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline

> attendance is not required.

>

> The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go

> smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

> One more thing, staring at me while I eat to try to direct my

> mind to give you my food will not work (usually). I am too

> old and too tired. Go stare at the kids. They are

> younger and more susceptible to mind control. If you don't

> believe me, notice how they all dress alike so they can be

> individuals.

>

> Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following

> message on the front door:

> TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

>

> (1) They live here. You don't.

> (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off

> the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

> (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

> (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are

> adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours

> and don't speak clearly.

>

> Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

> (1) eat less,

> (2) don't ask for money all the time,

> (3) are easier to train,

> (4) normally come when called,

> (5) never ask to drive the car,

> (6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

> (7) don't smoke or drink,

> (8) don't want to wear your clothes,

> (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

> (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

> (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

>