Dear Jean, I am sending loving thoughts to you, if you ever need someone to talk to please e-mail me,Martha

Dear Jean I know tomorrow will be very difficult for you and your family,I will go to my garden and send you strength and love, take care, Martha

Sudden departures are often as hard to accept as long terminal illnesses. At this stage in life my DH or myself could pass suddenly even though we are in moderately good health.
My thoughts are with you.
sam

Oh dear :-(

I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you. I've lost a few friends and some relatives along the way, but losing a partner is something different.

My thoughts are with you to help you get through the next while.

Come back here to lurk or chat when you can - whatever you feel like you can handle. Sometimes it helps you get to the point where you know that your life goes on, no matter how much you have lost.

BP

Oh Jean .. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss :o(
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sometimes when someone leaves so suddenly it makes it so hard to understand why. And although this is a time of sorrow and grief take the time to celebrate Ken's life.

My friend recently passed .. although not suddenly for her, she kept her illness a secret. I was only able to say good bye to her near the end of her life. Her memorial service was a celebration of all the good she had brought to this world. Even in death she was giving to others .. she donated her body to science .. in hope to find a cure for cancer.

If you need to chat .. email me ..
Take care of yourself
Laura

Jean,

I am sorry to hear of Ken's passing. His 57 years is just a little less than mine, and this certainly hits home.

You are in our thoughts. Perhaps a section of the garden, or a unique tree can be planted in his memory.

I am so very sorry for your pain. Ken sounds as if he must have been a very special man to be able to attract and keep the love of a gardener for 30 years. There would be so much to celebrate in his too short life, and I hope you are able to do that soon.
In the meantime, let the growing sprigs and sprouts of your garden bring solace and respite. Take care.
Nina

Jean - deepest sympathies during this horribly hard time for you.

Hello, Jean;

I have a small idea of how you're feeling: I lost the woman who raised my mother AND me (back in Italy) a few weeks ago. I say an "idea" only, because she was in her 90s and had lived a wonderful life, and she was not someone I spent every day with. Our grief is for ourselves, our loss.

My DH is 20 years older than me, and in fairly good health, but we never know when the time comes. You've reminded me of that today, and I thank you from my heart for that reminder. I've lost so many people over the past years (usually Israeli suicide bombings) that I've almost grown complacent. As horrible as this time is for you now, please know that you've given me (and others, I'm sure) a reminder to cherish those we could lose at any time.

Ninamarie is right: Ken must have been a lovely man to earn the love of a gardener for 30 years.

With your permission, my (Buddhist) Temple will create a Ksitigharba prayer shrine and service for your Ken. Ksitigharba is the bodhisattva (like a Buddha) who helps those who pass over find compassion and peace. Whatever your faith is, I respect and honour it; I would not dream of "pushing" such a thing on you. I hope you will write me and let me know if this is all right (or write me any time at all, for any reason; you are always welcome).

Meanwhile, you are in my daily prayers and devotions. May sadness and pain turn to fond remembrance, and may you find some small comfort in knowing we are here if you wish us to be.

Metta (Loving-kindness and compassion),

Merricat (Bettina)

Hello ..
Thank you so much for the kindness of your words. My spirit is wounded and raw right now and your tender sweet words are like a soothing balm to me.

One correction...ken and I have been together for 10 years...I said he shoud have had 30 more years.

Merricat...I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your generous offer of a prayer shrine for Ken. He will be so honored.
The one word I heard the most from other people in reference to Ken Borgal was...he was so kind.

He always felt so bad if he accidently cut a worm in half when he was digging rose holes for me..and he tried to pick up each one and move it to a safe place. He never would hurt a living thing on purpose.

He was a big man...6'1 and he would manage to step around my garden and never even step on a plant. I can picture him looking and planning where he could put his size 13 foot and not hurt a plant.

We both had a very hard life and different members of his family and many of his friends have thanked me for making his last 10 years happy ones. It was really the other way around...he made me feel safe and loved for the first time in too many years.
I know he truly loved me and we had a wonderful tranquil and loving home.
He died the way he lived..peacefully.
He was a very warm and compassionate man...everyones shoulder to lean on and loved harmony...I'm certain he has that now.

He loved our 5 cats and two dogs and they loved him. Thank you so much for all your compassion.

This picture was taken of him after diggng new rose holes for me....just taking a break here. He bought me 10 new roses for Easter and dug the holes and helped me plant them. I hope he will see them when they bloom.
Jean

{{gwi:519136}}

Jean,

I got goosebumps reading your post. Strange how things happen! One day you'll smell those roses he bought & helped you plant & you'll feel safe & loved again. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss of such a beautiful man. Hold on to those precious memories, as you experienced something, many of us, only hope for.

Shady

Jean, the honour is mine for the opportunity to share Ken's memory and show reverence for his life.

There shall be a formal offering of incense and prayer to Ksitigharba this Sunday, and prayers said both for his ease in passing, and for the easing of your own pain and loss. Kuan Yin (Bodhisattva of compassion and love) will also be offered prayers and specially-prepared dishes. These will focus on you, so that she may bring comfort in this dark time.

It is our belief that the spirit of a beloved moves on to be born once again, and that we do - through many lives - spend our earth-time with the same core group of people. Relationships may change (this life's husband may be next life's son), but our hearts find each other again, and the cycle continues.

Please don't be surprised if you feel him near. When my aunt passed last month, I kept walking into rooms and being absolutely certain she would be there...and she had been an ocean away when she passed. It is said that the spirits of these loved-ones have the chance to move on to a land of pure peace right away; but if they are needed by those they left behind, they will stay nearby and help ease the pain of their loss. That warm hug you feel may very well be Ken's way of saying "I'm ok, and I will see you again."

Thank you for sharing your story and photo with us. The first thing I thought when I saw him was "he has the kindest eyes."

Wishing you Metta and peace, dear one

- Merri

PS: Write any time, you are always welcome.

Thank you so much Merri.
Your kindness has touched me deeply and I personally believe that there is one almighty home and that many roads lead there...I have always believed in exactly what you have said about the souls journey.
I do believe that I had known Ken from another time...and I do believe that we will be together again..in another time.
I was truly blessed to have him in my life for as long as I did..and he left me many beautiful memories of our lives together to hold me over until we meet again.
What time will the ceremony for Ken be on Sunday Meri ? I would like to take that time as well to join with you and your friends in spirit.
Jean

My sympathy msjean,
It is sad that you lost such a dear companion. I've lost both my parents and youngest brother by the age of 26. It's very hard to deal with a lost. You just have to take it day by day and remember all the good memories about the days you've shared together. With time it gets easier because of all those good memories.
Take Care
Mary-Jane

Hello, Jean;

Liturgy starts about 10 a.m. (MST...I think that's what they call Alberta Time), and after the first hour of general gratitude-prayers there is a time for "special requests", so to speak. This is to honour individuals in the Sangha, or within the Sangha's circle of friends and family. Incense and dishes of carefully prepared (vegetarian) food are offered to the Bodhisattvas as a way to focus OUR thoughts and energies on those people.

In Buddhism, Bodhisattvas are likened to "Saints" in the Christian tradition, but that's not terribly accurate: they are the embodiment of those attributes which we dedicate our lives to (compassion, mercy, Metta, etc.), and (we believe) they are formed into perfect, flawless beings of pure energy/Attribute through our endless efforts to bring these elements to all sentient beings. Some traditions see them as being actual people at one time; others consider them manifestations of Perfection.

No matter how you look at it, the bottom line is the same: they help by teaching us to focus our own hearts and minds towards those people (individuals as well as all sentient beings) who most need aid, and in whatever shape that aid may be. (Hmmm...that's a pretty rough sketch, but I hope it helps a bit.)

Don't worry too much about being there at the same moment as the rest of the Sangha. I began a prayer cycle at my home Ksitigharba altar for you and Ken the day I saw your letter, and will continue doing so for the proscribed 84 days. Offerings are made and his mantra chanted. It has flowed easily and strongly, making me feel quite sure that it has been Heard and Heeded. Ken was a strong man. His strength was in his kindness and patience.

Although we are asked not to take photos in Temple (certainly not during liturgy....how distracting!), I will ask the Venerable for permission to send you photos of our two main Bodhisattva shrines. It is there that prayers are offered and gratitude expressed. One can feel the gentle, but strong, energy of many hearts in those areas.

I think she will probably permit me this breach of etiquette, once I explain why I'm requesting it. If nothing else, Buddhists are reality-based: PEOPLE come before not-necessary-to-follow-to-the-letter rules.

Namaste,
Bettina

You are very gracious and kind Bettina.
I thank you :)
Jean

Dear Jean,
How lucky was Ken to have had you in his life!
My sincere condolences. Take each day as it comes.

Be like the willow that bends in the wind (taoist proverb)

Jean I thought about you all day Sunday, your weekend must have been particularily difficult, just wanted you to know that you are not alone, love M

Hi everyone....
Thanks so much for your concern and it sure helps to read encouragement and comforting words from others.
My first week-end was hard..but I had much support. Our forum friend Tiffy (Nicole) came by and spent the afternoon with me. She is such a doll :)
Merricats prayers and all the others that have been said for Ken and I must be working as I find my head is clearing and I feel stronger as I tend to the final tasks that need to be done to settle Kens affairs.
My garden and my furry friends are such a comfort for me and I feel Kens presence around me...so its not as lonely as I first thought it would be.
He would not want me to suffer and I will try hard to regain my balance quickly and adjust to my different lifestyle.
No one knows how many days they have left here on Earth..so enjoy them while you can.
God never gives us more than we can handle...so I know I will be ok.
Jean~

Dear Jean - know that we are still here, keeping you in our thoughts.

Dear Jean,

My deepest sympathies to you. Hope you are in peace.

Ianna

Hi Jean, I'm here too thinking about you and worrying about you 'cause I am a very good worrier Love M

Hello again...
Just a note to let you know that I'm doing ok.
Life has a way of moving us along and the garden is taking up a lot of my time, so the days somehow just fill up. The evenings are the hardest, but I go to bed early and that helps.

A word of caution for you all....

If your SO does not have a will...INSIST that they make one right away. also, get involved in the financial aspect of banking, paying bills... passwords to accounts...make sure all accounts are joint and know which banks have accounts...safety deposit boxes...etc...vehicles jointly owned.. and that you are listed as beneficiary in the will.
If you are not the beneficiary..the family are involved in sharing the assets and that can create alot of problems. (I don't have this problem, but could have had it)

Ken did not have a will...and now I have had to hire a lawyer and there is much red tape, financial burden and lots of legal stuff to do.
I do have a handle on it now...but it is overwhelming at first.

We often spoke of making our wills, but just never got around to it...and never expected Ken to die so young...as he was in good health...as far as we knew.
Things would have been so simple if there had just been a will.
Plan of your future now...make your wills out. It's a loving and thoughtful thing to do for the ones we love .

msjean - those are words of wisdom! We've been meaning to make out a will for years, but we just never got around to it. We're not quite forty, so we're young yet, but you never know! We're married and have no kids, and everything is joint, so I don't think it would be a huge job to sort it all out, but yikes! That's not a thing you want to deal with when you're grieving. I've been after my brother to get a will made out too, since he needs one more than we do - he and his girlfriend have been together for over ten years, but don't want to marry. That would be something like your situation I guess - the law isn't quite up to date yet when it comes to relationships.

Once DH has finished with his business trips this summer, I think I'm going to insist on getting at least a basic, simple one made out. Consider this procrastinator motivated!

I'm glad to hear you're making it through this time. It's hard to believe that life can go on after such a devastating event, but the days have a way of passing. Maybe you can make some kind of a private memorial garden. A peaceful place to read, or string a hammock and take a nap. It'll give you something to do and it'll help you make a tangible thing to remember him with.

BP

Jean,
Your words (and the responses of others) throughout this thread touched me so deeply that I had to write a note to say that my thoughts and prayers are with you. My wish for you is that the treasure of your memories helps somewhat to ease the pain of your loss.
I have been fortunate to receive the gift of a second chance that I never imagined would happen. My DH and I have now been together for 4 years and your words are a reminder to savour every moment.
Margaret