MeMo, I'm going to email you, let me know if you get it.

Annette

Memo, I know you don't know me and this is just my opinion so take it for what it's worth. But some things you wrote really struck a nerve with me and I am feeling for you in this situation.

You said, "What I'm really bothered about is that I don't really know how to handle the situation between the Rancher and I just because I have never had to really share the responsibility with someone before. This is the first major disagreement that we have had. I'm really feeling like I had to choose between the two of them and I'm really uncomfortable in this." Boy. Does that sound familiar! I raised two children with a "new" husband who didn't agree with my way of doing it and, in my opinion, being a mother is hard enough in the best of times but it is almost impossible when your "significant other" is at odds with you about it.

I felt that my kids were ultimately my responsibility. I never expected their stepdad to be the disciplinarian or to take responsibility for them. I wanted him to be supportive and I tried to talk with him about my goals and views but when it came right down to it I didn't feel that he should take over and decide how to raise my children. Oddly, their birth father always felt I was FAR too strict with them. I insisted that they not hit and that they not write on the walls with permanent markers and such - how outrageously restrictive! I didn't really change my rules but my second husband always felt that I was FAR too lenient. I allowed them to tell me their side when we disagreed...and I actually listened to them. How incredibly permissive! Oh well.

There were a LOT of very unpleasant times raising my children with their stepdad but it was too important to me to relinquish control to someone - even though I loved him - whose views on child raising I could not agree with. We only ever argued about raising the kids. And to this day (the kids are in their 20s) there are still problems and I still feel that I am in the middle. It will never be solved in our case and I guess I am just very fortunate that I am still married and both my children love me and have good relationships with me. With him...not so much. If I am totally honest with myself I think I should have parted company with him at the first sign that we were not going to ever see eye to eye on the subject. I tried to have it both ways - my children AND my husband. A lot of real problems could have been avoided if I had called a halt. But that's water under the bridge.

So...those are my credentials. I've been a point on that triangle and it is NOT pleasant. Here is what your situation looks like to me:

I'd be very concerned about your daughter sneaking out and not telling you the truth about it. Did you have a rule that she couldn't go out on a one/one date? I'd want to get very clear with her about what is and isn't o.k. and then be really consistent about those rules. As I said, that is my opinion. You are the MOM and you know your child and it's your decision about what is or isn't allowed.

Next, I'd be very concerned about Rancher's reaction to your "independent" handling of the situation with your daughter. It sounds like he's expecting to be in charge and to make the decisions about it. Am I reading too much in? I think it is very important to reach a real understanding between you of who is making the decisions and how. It would be great if you could both agree and be united in dealing with your daughter. If you don't agree, it would be super if you could at least avoid letting her know that you are divided. Kids WILL use that. But if you cannot agree then I believe your child is your responsibility and you HAVE to raise her as best you can. Ultimately, your child is your most important responsibility. And somebody has to make these choices about what she is allowed to do and what not.

As for what you did - I think getting to know the young man is the best thing you can do. And it is probably best to allow them to spend some time together. If you forbid him to your daughter it will only make her more desperate to be with him and that's probably not good!

I do hope that you can work out some understanding with the Rancher. It is a particularly painful misery to be at odds with one you love about your kids. Your heart breaks. I sure know how that feels. And strife in this area hurts everybody. It confuses the child/children. It wears away at your relationship with your S.O. And it undermines your confidence as a parent. There just aren't any winners.

BEST wishes in working it all out. As one Mom to another, I sure hope you find a good solution.

Thank you, Linda. You are spot on my dear. My daughter is home now...on time...and she asked her friend to come in and meet the Rancher. She introduced them and her friend extended his hand but the Rancher pointed to the door. OMG! I'm just sick. Then my daughter became quite upset and the Rancher told her she was grounded for another month for raising her voice. He also raised his. I told him she is not grounded. I think he's being terribly unfair and I think his behavior is childish. So the saga continues.

Oh MeMo, I'm just heartsick for you, I think the rancher is being totally unreasonable. Kudos to your daughter and especially her young man for their mature behavior which seems to be sadly lacking in the rancher. They have certainly done more than their share trying to resolve this problem. Give your daughter a big hug and let her know how much you appreciate their efforts in trying breach the gap. Hopefully the rancher will get over himself before he annihilates everyone.

Annette

O, what a mess. How wonderful that your daughter got home on time! She evidently wants to work with you. Take THAT for what it's worth - a lot.

But what is up with your poor Rancher?! Is it possible to have a conversation without fireworks and find out why he is reacting so emotionally? What buttons is this pushing? Did he have a daughter who was in a similar situation that went wrong? Does this young man remind him of someone else? Maybe if you could find out why he feels so very strongly about this you could reach an understanding.

((HUGS))
Dearest MeMo,
I'm so sorry to hear of this very difficult situation in your home.
YOUR treatment of the situation with your daughter seems very sensible.
I agree that the problem is with the Rancher. I had questions similar to Linda's pop into my head. I will add one. Does the Rancher know something that you don't?

Also, this may now have nothing to do with Rancher's feelings about your daughter going with this boy, but more with something like the Rancher having to "save face" and not feeling "emasculated"?? (many men have a hard time with such things as they age)

Hope it will all be sorted out soon.
Sending best wishes and positive thoughts your way,
Patti

Dearest MeMo, you have had some excellent advise here so I'll make mine short. You didn't mess up Rancher did and unless he is able to own up to it things will only get worse, you and your daughter will find yourselves walking on eggshells unless he agrees to deal with his anger now. Life is too short to live it in fear....and yes, I am speaking from experience, Hugs Martha

Thank you friends. I appreciate all of your comments and thoughts. I have thought of all of these things that you have mentioned in trying to find reason for his actions. It has to be something from his past that I obviously know nothing of. He will not talk about it, he just continues to say how this young man is not good enough. Maybe men can sense more about other men than I can. What ever is causing him these feelings it is beyond me to figure out. I slept poorly last night and kept seeing that poor young mans face over and over in my mind. My daughter tells me he was scared to death to come in the house and meet the Rancher last night but that she insisted. She thought it was the right thing to do since they didn't do that at the gym, which is where this all started.

At any rate, I emailed the Rancher at 4:30 this morning LOL and told him my feelings. I released him from all parenting responsibility as that is my ultimate responsibility. Today he is silent. I do think I'm right on this to a certain point but I still feel terrible that I have had to choose sides. We have always been on a united front in the past. This is really uncharacteristic of the Ranchers normal personality. He has always been very kind and reasonable so this has really thrown me for a loop. I just don't want you all to think he is evil or something because it just isn't so. For now we'll just have to take it one day at a time.

MeMo

MeMo,
I am also thinking that there was some experience in Rancher's past regarding young folks dating. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope that that there's a way to "agree to disagree" and get on with your lives. If Rancher has dug in his heels, he needs some way out where he can "save face" as he must see himself as the protector of you and your daughter.

Since he has expressed that the boy "isn't good enough" then there's some intuition of his kicking in. See if you can gently coax him to disclose/verbalize that feeling. If he has facts, rather than intuition, then he needs to tell you.

((Hugs))
Cameron

Oh Memo ~ My heart goes out to you also and I feel for the Rancher too because obviously something is upsetting him to make him react the way he has. I hope things work out for all of you soon, so that you can get back to living happily instead of in turmoil.

Hugs from me too ~ FlowerLady

Memo....hugs to you.

Our marriage is a second one for both of us. I had 2 children 17 & 19 and he had 2 that were 12 & 15. Both of my children lived out of the home when we met but his lived with us. My youngest son was very jealous of the my DH and his sons. So we had some rocky days as well. Especially when my son moved in with us. If it helps any, what we did was the two of us sat down and talked it over and decided that even if we did not agree on discipline, etc. we would NOT let any of the children come between us. There were times that it was difficult, as we did not always agree, but one or the other backed off and let the parent make the final decision.

Maybe you could talk to the Rancher, and perhaps tell him how you are feeling (torn) and that it could be very bad for your relationship if it continues. That perhaps he needs to understand "how" you feel and maybe then he would open up to you as to why he feels the way he does? Expressing your feelings verbally to him might help him open up as well?

Sorry I can't be of more help, but know that you are in my thoughts.
Marylu

Maybe he remembers being a 17 year old boy and dating and what went on and the sneaking bothers him. It would bother me also..I think your daughter and her boyfriend need to re earn his trust to fix his insecurities, even if it is more difficult than it should be. And it appears she IS trying to...but she also commited a fairly large trust issue so correcting it will take time. A lesson learned for her for sure. He on the other hand could also be face to face with the reality now of her age...and how quickly she will mature now. Once they date, the years go by quickly, and a daddy (especially step dad) can quickly take a back seat in her life from being the ONLY male in her life, to one who now has little control and notice in her life. Maybe that also bothers him, maybe he is pouting. I agree with others, since this is so out of character of him, he might also know, or suspect more than he is sharing...the worse thing tho that can happen is the two of you become divided in this....bad for both your daughter, both of your realtionships with her, and your marriage too. Over riding each others authority is not good, even in step relationship. I personally think it teaches children subtly to play parents against each other. And on another aspect, there is much guilt with it from both parents and child. And it is really tuff on a marriage. I know you want to believe she learned a lesson, and maybe she has, but what is wrong with a boy who went along with this too...that is what could be concerning the rancher....his "ethics and morals" are obviously not squared up with good values not matter how nice he seems up front. And ont the other hand, kids are still kids, and think like kids too...but that does not mean we should just accept that thought process either. Don't always take her word now where she is and what she is doing, randomly check on her, so she knows a repeat act might be busted. Maybe that would comfort rancher. He cant choose her dates for her tho. And if he is too anti boy against this boy, she will just sneak more and more...which is what caused her to sneak to begin with..instead put checks and balances in place..and dont be afraid to check on her often, no matter how much she gets annoyed. She commited the error of judgment and it should cost her a bit so she does not repeat the error. Feel no guilt over it. Good luck..raising teens is never fun is it. And step families make it ten times worse. I come from such a family myself. Good luck my heart goes out to you.

Hi MeMo. I'm really sad to read about the strife in your family. This situation is beyond any experience I have. Is there any way to convince your Rancher to seek family counceling? Having an experienced, inbiased person give you all some guidance could really help the situation right now. I know you folks are in a very rural environment, but there should be some sort of help within a reasonable distance.

In the meantime, you have us.

Enveloping hug,

Steven

There is much thoughtful advice here. I don't have kids. The only advice I can offer is not to let things fester. The Rancher must be drawn out to express what is really going on with his thoughts and feelings. There may be racial, religious, or financial bias going on in his mind, as well as the idea of losing his little girl to another male, as Keesha posted.

It would probably be a good idea to remind your daughter of all the Rancher has contributed to her life, which has been good. I do agree with the idea of random checks, and I think daughter should know this will be the case. In a small town, it is very difficult to keep secrets. Somebody will always be watching, and word gets around. Sometimes word which gets spread is quite distorted, or speculative. Reputation is something precious to be protected.

Lorna