Well, on Nov. 8, 2004 my little Goomba passed. He was only 3 years old but had many health problems since he was born. He was born with his leg over his back but as he grew and with some physiotherapy it eventually came down and "looked normal". He later began to get very overweight .. nothing seemed to be wrong with him .. did tons of blood work. He then developed chronic constapation and received medication several times a day and frequent trips to the vets to get "unplugged". Poor little guy it must have been awful. Over the past few months his behaviour changed .. he became really sucky and loveable. Now Goomba was never Mr Snuggles so I got suspicious and took him to the vets. It turns out his lungs were filling with fluid :o( It didnt take but a moment to decided that this was not something that I wanted to put him though as he would eventually have to be put to sleep due to Mega Colon, a condition that is created by the constipation. I waited for my DH to return home from work .. he would have been upset if I hadnt .. then back to the vets for our final fairwell. It was so hard .. harder than any other time I have had to do this. I have 8 cats .. well now 7 .. they are my kids. I had him cremated and picked up his ashes today. I couldnt go back home cuz I was too upset so Goomba and I went for a drive. I know with time I wont feel so bad but it really hurts. I loved him soooo much. Now I am worried about my other cats .. many of them are really old .. the eldest is 17 and the youngest are 8 months. To make things worse, we had another one of our cats put to sleep several months ago but she was very old and in a great deal of pain. I usually cope really well with this kind of thing but I also recieved bad news about my mom .. she has a "spot" on her lung and they are going to remove it .. so all of this is really hitting me hard.
I truely am a person who functions really well under stress / crisis and then I crumble when the dirt settles. But all of this is a bit too much for me. And God forbid I show my true emotions. It would set off a whirlwind of chaos with my foster kids who have a hard enough time dealing with their own issues. I have to maintain a certain calm and strength so that they feel secure. Dont get me wrong they saw that I was upset but not as upset as I am truely feeling. I have never felt so lost .. I guess the cat was really just the tip of the iceburg eh??
I hate this .. being so far away from my mother. I cant just jump in the car and go. Well I could .. its only a 4-5 hour drive BUT .... there are always too many buts in this life ... I have to find relief foster homes for the kids .. and thats not an easy task .. not many foster homes have a staff member :o) Then .. if DH joins me ... I need someone to watch my pets .. at this point I am ready to pack up the whole gang and head up there!!! I hate not knowing .. not knowing if the "spot" is cancer or just a ... for lack of a better word a spot!! I hate not knowing if it is cancer .. if thats the primary spot or is it somewhere else .. !!!!!!!! My brother is the Chief of Staff at the hospitals in our hometown so I know my mom is getting the best care possible. The doctor is doing a bunch of tests before he sets a date for surgery so I wont even know until the end of the month or later when that will be!! So many things are racing though my mind ..
Thanks for letting me blow off a bit of my emotional energy .. thanks for just listening
Laura
ingami
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