Oops - almost forgot to include Do You Fondle Your Compost?. I choose to believe that these people are kidding. If not, some are a little scary and very creepy.

Another funny post for dog lovers and dog haters is Yuck! What a Dog Won't Eat. So true it's really funny.

Yes, there are some good ones at the Soil, Compost & Mulch forum. But I think my favorite posts were on that same forum when Jon asked Katie to marry him and she accepted. I think that thread has rolled off the site, couldn't find it.

Hey folks, the bird poop post just won't die. Check out the latest as it may have hit a lull for awhile, but has picked up speed once again.

Ureka, I found it.
Thanks to Earl from Ohio I was able to find this post on Google. It has rolled off the GW page but by clicking the (cache) option on Googles opening page I found it.

Here is a link that might be useful: Oleander tea

I guess the postings were starting to get belligerent on the bird poop saga because Spike deleted it. I thought the thread so funny I forwarded it to a non-gardening friend. He replied by forwarding the following site to me.

Things could have been even worse for Aqua Dan. Thanks goodness the birds weren't any larger!

http://www.deuceofclubs.com/bm00/bm0011.htm

I wonder.... my ex is pretty stupid.... but does he drink tea? I don't remember... Bet the B... err... I mean his wife would know - and would be so drunk that she wouldn't remember my asking. Would be so much cheaper than the attorney I have been paying for so long...

(Don't worry - just another of my daydreams... but they DO make me feel so much better, even if only make believe)

Hi,

I am very dissappointed. I was pleased to find a forum on favorites and let down that many of the links won't connect to the posts that are referred to here. How long does gardenweb keep their posts accessible?

Slvr

Slvr - Try searching for the title of the expired post on google. Use the cached version to pull up an old copy stored by google. It has worked for me on the few I have tried. I'm not sure how long posts are kept on GW.

Thanks Taba, I'll try that.

:-)
Slvr

Here's another from the Garden Party

Here is a link that might be useful: You know you're addicted to plants when.....

My favorite was on the "worst gardening experience" thread. One of the posters wrote about giving her uprooted seedlings to her cat and getting to hear that lovely "cat turning inside out sound". I laughed til I cried!

I want to read the bird poop saga and it is not to be found at GooGle

A few weeks ago I found a bunch of entertaining threads by searching on the word "hysterical" in forums.

My all-time favorite (cut and pasted in case the link stops working):

RE: mess-free hypertufa mixing
Posted by: Flowerchild_LI z6NY (My Page) on Thu, Feb 28, 02 at 17:50

Thanks, Artchik! The only thing holding me back, now,is convincing my husband that I need another 93LB. bag of Portland cement!! On my last attempt,at Home Depot, the bag slipped off the cart and EXPLODED on the floor of the store!! We haven't had the courage to return there, yet.

RE: mess-free hypertufa mixing
Posted by: Flowerchild_LI z6NY (My Page) on Thu, Feb 28, 02 at 22:50

Artchik, I haven't even told you the funniest part of the "quest for Portland cement"!!! After the bag fell, my husband (who was already annoyed because he had cement dust all over him...) said some unmentionable things, as a HD employee glared at him....I slinked away. Later that evening, our grown daughter went to check her answering machine. She came down and said, "Did you guys buy Portland cement, today?" We looked at each other and laughed, asking how she knew. She said, "Listen to this message....." "At first," she said " I thought it was an obscence phone call...." The message went like this:
Male voice: Oh, this is dirty.....so dirty. Do you really want to do this?
Female voice: Yes....I really need it. Please.
Male voice: Do you really need this big one? It's pretty messy.
Female voice: Please, just this once. It will last me for months. mumble, mumble Portland cement..
Male voice: Oh, %$##***&&!! The damn bag broke!!
Artchik, if you're still with me.......my husband's cell phone was on,in his jacket pocket, and, somehow re-dialed the last number (our daughter's) and left our entire conversation on her machine!!!!! We were hysterical!! Thank God, he hadn't called my mother as his last call !! I wish I could have made this up, but, it's true!!! LOL LOL

Now, do you see why he's reluctant to go back for more cement??

Here is a link that might be useful: http://forums.gardenweb.com/forums/load/accout/msg0216410926976.html

Just had to share this one...

Here is a link that might be useful: Plant-jumps-into-cart-itus

I love the one where the woman tells how her family are in the house waiting for mom to quite gardening so that they can eat. Also, her hubby wouldn't come closer to than 20'

I can relate!
Anyway, I will try to find it.
Karalyn

Phyllis' Forest Tent Caterpillar experience is one of my favorites. Her posts start about 1/3 of the way down the thread.

Here is a link that might be useful: Forest Tent Caterpillars

There is a somewhat naughty but very funnyy posting on the landscape forum about electric erasers.

Getting your garden stuff stolen is not funny, but the responses in this thread tickled my funny bone.

Here is a link that might be useful: Funny Hot Pepper Thread

Did anyone save any of the threads that have disappeared, like the bird poop saga? Want to read.
tj

Did anyone save any of the threads that have disappeared, like the bird poop saga? Want to read.
tj

My all-time fave was the neighbor from heck thread. There was a link in it to another site that was just dedicated to this guy getting high blood pressure over all the stupid things his neighbor did to his garden. I couldn't believe how funny it was because this poor guy was on the verge of a stroke, but the neighbor wasn't malicious or anything, he was just doing his gardening thing (and very poorly, I might add), completely unaware that he was shaving years off the other guy's life!

There are so many

The Suicidal Gardenia is back!

peak

Here is a link that might be useful: Suicidal Gardenia

I'd like to read the bird poop saga too!

The bird poop one can't be any funnier than this. It's the funniest I've seen here.

Here is a link that might be useful: Thread:

Definitely the Suicidal Gardenia thread!!! Nothing can top that.

the thread for the compost people
"you know you are a compost whacko when"....

i laughed until i cried.

All these are good, but the one that rings true the most for me is the "bad neighbors" one in the Midwest Gardening Forum. Both our neighbors have pools, and screaming kids are everywhere during warm weather. And right this second about seven basketballs and a dozen kids are rolling at a rate of fifteen per minute (at least) into my yard and beds, flying into my shrubs, yelling, etc. The neighbor put up a standing basketball hoop on the very corner of his property, and of course, everything rolls downhill into my yard, and into everything in it. I was looking to see if somebody had successfully and tactfully dealt with something like this, and I happened upon the "bad neighbors" thread. It is a real eye-opener. The stories are so wild, I almost don't believe it. Boy, have I got it good!! I feel sorry for those people who have to deal with those neighbors. Compared with them, mine are real angels.

Another...

Here is a link that might be useful: Cat trouble

Here's another...I'm bored.

Here is a link that might be useful: Bad neighbors

My all time favorite...complete with PICTURES!!!

Here is a link that might be useful: My redneck neighbors

Here's a good one...

Here is a link that might be useful: You might be a redneck...

Wendy, You must be my neighbor! It Sounds like the kids on each side of me.

One that I found was quite funny, but haven't been able to find it in awhile, was the one about "What is the worst thing you've hit with a lawnmower".

Hi all,
I admit it...I love garden web! I have my regular forums that I visit...but sometimes I just surf GW...I read this forum and laughed until I cried...thought some of you might get a kick out of it, too. It was on the Perennials Forum

Here is a link that might be useful: From Perennials Forum

Gardening Attire...from the Frugal Gardening Forum

Here is a link that might be useful: Gardening Attire

This is my favorite... "Dogs in Elk"! It's long gone from GardenWeb, but I saved it... enjoy!

********************************
Anne V - 01:01pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT
Okay - I know how to take meat away from a dog. How do I take a dog away from meat? This is not, unfortunately, a joke.

AmyC - 01:02pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT
Um, can you give us a few more specifics here?

Anne V - They're inside of it. They crawled inside, and now I have a giant incredibly heavy piece of carcass in my yard, with 2 dogs inside of it, and they are NOT getting bored of it and coming out. One of them is snoring. I have company arriving in three hours, and my current plan is to 1. put up a tent over said carcass and 2. hang thousands of fly strips inside it. This has been going on since about 6:40 this morning.

AmyC - Oh. My. God. What sort of carcass is big enough to hold a couple of dogs inside? Given the situation, I'm afraid you're not going to be create enough of a diversion to get the dogs out of the carrion, unless they like greeting company as much as they like rolling around in dead stuff. Which seems unlikely. Can you turn a hose on the festivities?

Ase Innes-Ker - I'm sorry Anne. I know this is a problem (and it would have driven me crazy), but it is also incredibly funny.

Anne V - Elk. Elk are very big this year, because of the rain and good grazing and so forth. They aren't rolling. They are alternately napping and eating. They each have a ribcage. Other dogs are working on them from the outside. It's all way too primal in my yard right now. We tried the hose trick. At someone elses house, which is where they climbed in and began to refuse to come out. Many hours ago. I think that the hose mostly helps keep them cool and dislodges little moist snacks for them. hose failed. My new hope is that if they all continue to eat at this rate, they will be finished before the houseguests arrive. The very urban houseguests. Oh, god - I know it's funny. It's appalling, and funny, and completely entirely representative of life with dogs.

Kristen R. - I'm so glad I read this thread, dogless as I am. Dogs in elk. Dogs in elk.

Anne V - It's like that childrens book out there - dogs in elk, dogs on elk, dogs around elk, dogs outside elk. And there is some elk inside of, as well as on, each dog at this point.

Elizabeth K - Anne, aren't you in Arizona or Nevada? There are elk there? I'm so confused! We definately need to see pics of Gus Pong and Jake in the elk carcass.

Anne V - I am in New Mexico, but there are elk in both arizona and nevada, yes. There are elk all over the da*n place. They don't look out very often. If you stand the ribcage on end they scramble to the top and look out, all red. Otherwise, you kinda have to get in there a little bit yourself to really see them. So I think there will not be pictures.

CoseyMo - "all red;" I'm not sure the deeper horror of all this was fully borne in upon me till I saw that little phrase.

Anne V - Well, you know, the Basenji (that would be Jake) is a desert dog, naturally, and infamous for it's aversion to water. And then, Gus Pong (who is coming to us, live, unamplified and with a terrific reverb which is making me a little dizzy) really doesn't mind water, but hates to be cold. Or soapy. And both of them can really run. Sprints of up to 35 mph have been clocked. So. If ever they come out, catching them and returning them to a condition where they can be considered house pets is not going to be, shall we say, pleasant.

CoseyMo - What if you stand the ribcage on end, wait for them to look out, grab them when they do and pull?

Anne V - They wedge their toes between the ribs. And scream. We tried that before we brought the elk home from the mountain with dogs inside. Jake nearly took my friends arm off. He's already short a toe, so he cherishes the 15 that remain.

Linda Hewitt - Have you thought about calling your friendly vet and paying him to come pick up the dogs, elk and letting the dogs stay at the vets overnight. If anyone would know what to do, it would be your vet. It might cost some money, but it would solve the immediate crisis. Keep us posted.

ChristiPeters - Yikes! My sympathy! When I lived in New Mexico, my best friend's dog (the escape artist) was continually bringing home road kill. When there was no road kill convenient, he would visit the neighbor's house. Said neighbor slaughtered his own beef. The dog found all kinds of impossibly gross toys in the neighbor's trash pit. I have always had medium to large dogs. The smallest dog I ever had was a mutt from the SPCA who matured out at just above knee high and about 55 pounds. Our current dog (daughter's choice) is a Pomeranian.A very small Pomeranian. She's 8 months old now and not quite 4 pounds. I'm afraid I'll break her.

Lori Shiraishi - Bet you could fit a whole lot of Pomeranians in that there elk carcass! Anne - my condolences on what must be an unbelievable situation!

Anne V - I did call my vet. He laughed until he was gagging and breathless. He says a lot of things, which can be summed as *what did you expect?* and *no, there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog.* He is planning to stop over and take a look on his way home. Thanks, Lori. I am almost surrendered to the absurdity of it.

Lori Shiraishi - "He is planning to stop over and take a look on his way home." So he can fall down laughing in person?

Anne V - Basically, yeah. That would be about it.

AmyC - No, there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog." Oh, sweet lord, Anne. You have my deepest sympathies in this, perhaps the most peculiar of the Gus Pong Adventures. You are truly a woman of superhuman patience. wait -- you carried the carcass down from the mountains with the dogs inside?

Anne V - The carcass down from the mountains with the dogs inside? no, well, sort of. My part in the whole thing was to get really stressed about a meeting that I had to go to, and say *yeah, ok, whatever* when it was suggested that the ribcages, since we couldn't get the dogs out of them and the dogs couldn't be left there, be brought to my house. Because, you know - I just thought they would get bored of it sooner or later. But it appears to be later, in the misty uncertain future, that they will get bored. Now, they are still interested. And very loud, one singing, one snoring.

Lori Shiraishi - And very loud, one singing, one snoring. wow. I can't even begin to imagine the acoustics involved with singing from the inside of an elk.

Anne V - Reverb. lots and lots of reverb.

Anne V - I'll tell you the thing that is causing me to lose it again and again, and then I have to go back outside and stay there for a while. After the meeting, I said to my (extraordinary) boss, "look, I've gotta go home for the rest of the day, I think. Jake and Gus Pong are inside some elk ribcages, and my dad is coming tonight, so I've got to get them out somehow." And he said, pale and huge-eyed, "Annie, how did you explain the elk to the clients?" The poor, poor man thought I had the carcasses brought to work with me. For some reason, I find this deeply funny.

(weekend pause)

Anne V - So what we did was put the ribcages (containing dogs) on tarps and drag them around to the side yard, where I figured they would at least be harder to see, and then opened my bedroom window so that the dogs could let me know when they were ready to be plunged into a de-elking solution and let in the house. Then I went to the airport. Came home, no visible elk, no visible dogs. Peeked around the shrubs, and there they were, still in the elk. By this time, they had gnawed out some little portholes between some of the ribs, and you got the occasional very frightening glimpse of something moving around in there if you watched long enough. After a lot of agonizing, I went to bed. I closed the back door, made sure my window was open, talked to the dogs out of it until I as sure they knew it was open, and then I fell asleep.

Sometimes, sleep is a mistake, no matter how tired you are. And especially if you are very very tired, and some of your dogs are outside, inside some elks. Because when you are that tired, you sleep through bumping kind of noises, or you kind of think that it's just the house guests. It was't the house guests. It was my dogs, having an attack of teamwork unprecedented in our domestic history. When I finally woke all the way up, it was to a horrible vision. Somehow, 3 dogs with a combined weight of about 90 pounds, managed to hoist one of the ribcages (the meatier one, of course) up 3 feet to rest on top of the swamp cooler outside the window, and push out the screen. What woke me was Gus Pong, howling in frustration from inside the ribcage, very close to my head, combined with feverish little grunts from Jake, who was standing on the nightstand, bracing himself against the curtains with remarkably bloody little feet.

Here are some things I have learned, this Rosh Hashanah weekend:
1. almond milk removes elk blood from curtains and pillowcases,
2. We can all exercise superhuman strength when it comes to getting elk carcasses out of our yard,
3. The sight of elk ribcages hurtling over the fence really frightens the nice deputy sheriff who lives across the street, and
4. the dogs can pop the screens out of the windows, without damaging them, from either side.

What I am is really grateful that they didn't actually get the damn thing in the window, which is clearly the direction they were going in. And that the nice deputy didn't arrest me for terrifying her with elk parts before dawn.

Imagine waking up with a gnawed elk carcass in your bed, like a real-life "Godfather" with an all-dog cast. There is not enough almond milk in the world to solve an event of that kind.

Omg that is the weirdest and funniest thing I've ever seen! I'm horrified and fascinated at the same time.

And to think, all I was doing was doing a search on "weeping fig" and I found this. lol

Oh, if I killed this thread with my "Dogs in Elk" repost, I am so sorry! I know it's gross and I forget not everyone cares for icky humour.
Julie

I clicked on a lot of the links, and couldn't make a connection. Did daisy kill it (kidding daisy)?

ROTFLMAO Julie, thanks for saving and posting the Dogs in Elk post. What a trip!

peak

The dogs in Elk post I read last year and almost died laughing, I was going to suggest it here until some else did thanks for the laughs!

Denise

Someone (hint, hint, lurkers!) needs to post some more links because all the posts linked above have fallen off from GW.

I have to say that was the most I've laughed in quite a while. Kind of a guilty, oh-my-god-that's-horrible kind of laugh but a laugh nonetheless.

I don't know if I'll ever again read the word "reverb" without thinking of this post.

peak

i was disappointed because i wanted to share in the joy but could no longer link to the threads 'cuz there were gone - so i'm all for starting new ones... i love the dog story - i have three dogs so i can somewhat relate - although we dont have elks here - we do have funny dog stories...

our dog tried to re-upholster our couch with strips of sod ... i had rented a sod cutter and removed sod from a new garden bed and placed the strips along the fence line in the back yard. i watered the newly laid sod really well in order to get it to take root. while i was at work the next day, my dh was sleeping in the recliner and our dog piece by piece brought the strips of sod into the house, through the doggie door, down the steps, into the family room and spread them out on to our couch. many pieces had broken and were spread out all over the floor - many other pieces were strewn about the couch - ground in - they were nice and damp and very muddy - seeing how i had really watered them too .... not quite sure what the dog thought she was doing -she must have spent at least 20-30 minutes or more making trips back and forth from the fence to the house and back again - draggin sod into the house -

I am finding this post amusing.

Here is a link that might be useful: Chilies and Your Plumbing

I find the tan in the bottle thread entertaining as well

Here is a link that might be useful: tan in a bottle

This thread is worth reviving, so BUMP. I'm so glad to see that someone else besides me saved Dogs in Elk! That was the BEST.... but i'd also love to see the bird poop one.

I saved my favorite funny post, an old one called "Garden Heebie-Jeebies," on my profile page. I think you might be able to reach it by clicking the link on my name.

M.

I was laughing out loud last night at "Dogs in Elk". Now I must read the others mentioned. Tamara, where are they?
Renee