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aurorawa

OT: Neighbor

aurorawa
9 years ago

Posting here, because honestly, I don't know where else to post this, and secondly, I find this forum one of the more friendly forums.

I have a couple of neighbor problems and cannot figure out how to tactfully handle each situation.

I have a neighbor directly across the street from me with two children that are no younger than 10. The younger one will come to my window and stare through it. He also used to go into my back yard before I put a different lock on the gate (including times I was not home, nor was any other adult).
He and my son used to play together, but when I let his parents know that he cannot go into my yard anymore without permission,especially my back yard, which has a koi pond, they basically don't allow him to play.
Now, I have a new issue with the family. Their daughter comes outside early in the morning (around 6:30-7), and will bark (I kid you not) with her dogs. She is almost 12. I would generally ignore this behavior, but with a baby, and it being hot, it is hard. Central AC is not justified where I live, we get maybe 4-6 weeks of HOT weather, something a window unit, fans, and open windows works just fine for. On top of this, she will bully my son freely if he his outside playing with neighborhood friends. She calls him names and hits him and if he so much as tells her to stop, she goes in crying to her mom, saying he hurt her feelings. I have witnessed this with my own eyes several times. She has also started to help herself to my flowers! I got a video of it, just in case it happens again, only because the way she picks them has injured a couple of the plants severely (she yanks up and it causes shear tears and root disturbance/tearing) and they are not cheap to replace.
Because her parents and I are not on friendly terms, what do you suggest I do? Write a letter? Knock on the door and hope they listen? I am always nice in the way I present things, and generally non-confrontational.

My other issue is with a neighbor who doesn't live near us, but lives near the neighborhood park. She walks her dogs through the neighborhood. Last time she was walking, she asked if my son and daughter frequent the park and I said yes. She then asked if they play with nerf guns. I again said yes, as do many of the neighborhood kids. She then proceeded to rip me a new one, saying that now her grandchildren cannot play at the park (which is NOT HOA, is PUBLIC, and HUGE, with many playscapes, as well as a forested area, where my kids play, look for frogs, garden snakes, etc) because my heathens may hurt them. Her words. She then went into a tirade about airsoft pellets (my kids are only allowed their airsofts at the gun range, but other kids play in the forest with theirs) and how she mows the park and her dogs eat them and plastic certainly cannot be safe for dogs (she has large dogs). I tried to explain to her that when my husband was deployed when my son was a baby, my son got into and ate some of his airsoft pellets. I later found them in his diaper. No hurt. They are tiny and plastic, and spherical, so no real danger unless a TINY critter ingests on. But she interrupted me right at "My husband was Navy active duty deployed and", with "So was mine, your point?" I wanted so bad to tell her that if she didn't interrupt, she would know my point, but I didn't have the gall. Now, every time she walks her dogs, she takes her grandson and makes snarky comments about "dangers" when she gets to my house. "Watch where you are walking, that trash can is on the sidewalk". No, it is on my driveway, where the sidewalk ends, and it is 10 minutes after the trash has been picked up. "Watch where you are going, she left lopping shears out". Umm, I am right beside them, picking up the rose canes, so that no one falls on them. "Watch out, the mulch is out of the bed". Yes, there are two pieces of bark on the sidewalk. My bad. Ugh. How do I deal with someone like this? She is hurting her grandson in the process and that makes it worse.

Sorry for the long post. I get along well with all of my other neighbors, but these two, unfortunately, I have unintentional daily interactions with. And thanks for letting me share my rant!

PS, feel free to move this thread if there is a better forum for this issue!

Comments (11)

  • greentoe357
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Aurora, this forum is indeed very friendly. But even apart from the off-topic issue, I am afraid there may simply not be enough people here, yet along qualified people experienced with issues like these, to help you.

    I used to hang out here (http://www.fatwallet.com/forums/finance/, I still pop in once in a while), and periodically posts like yours would pop up. Now, that forum has a distinctly different feel from this one. People there are tough and don't shy away from telling you things you might not like (I am using a generalized "you", not "YOU" you). But I often found many people's advice there very helpful. They can help you look at the situation and see important things that were not obvious to you before - if you have an open mind and a tough skin.

    If I were posting this there, I'd say that even though it's not about finance, it's affecting your quality of life, just like financial issues would. Another thing I would flesh out for them is what you want to accomplish and how far you are willing to go. Obviously, you want them to stop those behaviors, but go a little deeper into what you want to see happen. Do you want better relationships with those people, or do you want all contact to stop completely? You have to touch on the legal issues because the conversation will surely go there as well. Mention if you would like to sue, or threaten to sue, or neither. Finally, and this may already be covered elsewhere, I'd make sure to talk a little bit about what kind of personality you have - because not all advice is appropriate for everybody, and you can save people some keystrokes. It appears you want to avoid confrontation - if that's true, make sure to say that.

    I hope you get those issues resolved. Best of luck!

  • zzackey
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'd be tempted to spray the window peeker and the girl brat with a strong blast of the hose. I know this would probably cause backlash or motion dectector sprinklers. Otherwise I guess invest in a fence they can't get thru.

  • aurorawa
    Original Author
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thanks, greentoe. I will look into the other forum. I actually have that type of personality where I deeply regretted posting this thread as soon as I hit submit. I don't like talking ill of others, but I am at a loss and am feeling unjustly ostracized by one neighbor and harassed by the other.

    zackey, My back yard is fenced and secured, but I am not going to fence in my front yard, as it would cause issues with all my neighbors (read, tacky, my front yard is huge). Most of my neighbors really enjoy us and often come over for conversation and to compliment us on our leveling job/renovation of the front yard.
    While I have been tempted to turn the sprinklers on, I fear it may actually backfire, either causing the kids to run and play through them or to go tell their parents, which I don't want. I don't want any more confrontation or bad feelings, so for now, I will just take the road less traveled, smile and wave and pretend all is well.
    I made a mention of my issues to a friend who works for the county and she did say to write a letter and get it notarized and copied, and send one to the parents of the neighbor children, expressing that I am not responsible for any injuries that their children sustain on my property if I am not home, and that they WILL be responsible for any property damage their children cause to my property. This should be done because up here, I can get sued by the parents if their children get hurt on my property, whether or not they had permission to be on it. So I am going to take that advice.
    I also have installed two indoor-looking-looking out security cameras, to prove that her kids are doing things they shouldn't without permission.
    This is just different for me. I have never had issues beforehand with getting along with others. And I have to admit that I am sensitive and don't like hurting others' feelings, but also don't like mine trampled on.

    Anyway, thanks a lot for letting me vent. Even though I regret posting, it did help me think the situation through! So, next time, I will write my problem down on Word and delete!

  • dbarron
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    For me, the solution would be...move to a rural environment.

    Fences and distance...make better neighbors.

  • aurorawa
    Original Author
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    dbarron, I wish, but not until hubby is out of the military and we can move back down to TX, where we came from! Land prices where we have to live (stationed here) are heinous! And Military salary/lab tech salary don't pay much! Maybe when my student loan is paid off, lol!

  • wanna_run_faster
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Aurora,

    For your first neighbor...I would try to be as nice as I could and ask the 12 y/o if she can "help you" keep the dogs quiet in the morning because the baby is sleeping. And if she is receptive, maybe approach her again and thank her for her help and THEN ask if she can help with the situations with her brother.

    As for the grandmother with the dogs...sometimes people (especially older people or angry people) just need to vent. Try to just listen when she goes off on a rant, and nod, and wait for her to run out of steam before you try to have a conversation with her. Try reading Stephen Covey's 7 habits of highly successful people...his insight on "listen first to understand" is something I have never forgotten and really makes all the difference when dealing with difficult people.

    Good luck! Hope you can enjoy your family and just keep trying to block out others stress you out unnecessarily!

    Helen

  • teisa
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Aurora,

    No need to apologize, I read your post and felt your pain. Alot of people (especially who garden) have problem neighbors. I agree with WRF, ask the 12 yr old to try to help keep the dogs quieter in the morning. And as for the Grandmother, I would strike a conversation the next time she is walking by. Ask her how things are going and just try to go out of your way to be friendly. Maybe she will see you in a different light and become more friendly! It can't hurt to try! And just hope you get to move sooner than later!

    We moved to an area with 15 acres. We don't have neighbors close at all and I must admit it is so peaceful! I've lived in a tight neighborhood with kids and pets and will never do it again!

  • greentoe357
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Writing them a letter, while it may feel to you like the best way of communicating, may not be. You need to look at what's most likely to accomplish your goals, not what feels easiest. I can totally see people getting even more aggravated and hostile toward you ("What are we, not good enough for her to simply TALK to us!?!?!?") On the other hand, if there is history of words being twisted or misinterpreted, maybe a letter IS the right way to go. Just do not approach it from the point of what's easiest for you - that is what I am saying.

    As for the neighbors' kids potentially injuring themselves on your property, proceed with extreme caution. I am not a lawyer, but I am a financial advisor with some liability insurance experience. Writing a letter saying "control your kids, or I am not responsible if they hurt themselves" will likely not only NOT absolve you of liability (google "attractive nuisance" for some basic legal 101 on this) - it may actually give the neighbors wrong ideas if they are bad people and simply are out to get you. Do you catch my drift? Do not write the letter - not if you see a lawyer and if they ok your plan or even better write it themselves.

    By the way, that friend who works for the county who told you you would not be liable after you write that letter - yeah, that's a textbook example of giving legal advice, and I am assuming they do not have a license to practice law. Just don't go there with no legal advice, or you'll risk making a bad situation much much worse.

    On a related note, collect maximum amount of evidence (security cameras are a good idea), even if there's no intention of suing now, while offering minimum evidence to them yourself - no letter writing also for this reason, unless reviewed by a liability attorney. And even evidence collecting or recording of anything is also best approved by a lawyer because state laws differ widely.

    I would also advise to stay civil and above the fray at all times. (Do not spray the brats with sprinklers or anything like that.) If they do a wrong thing, then you do a wrong thing in response, they can sue you for your wrong thing, which will stand on its own and against you - and separate from what harm you may have suffered previously or since (which you will need to prove, of course, and even if you succeed, no breaking the law in response is ever justified). There's just nothing to be gained by going there, except a short-lived satisfaction perhaps.

    I love all the advice Helen is giving you. Good stuff and makes a whole lot of sense!

  • aurorawa
    Original Author
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    When I said I would open up a Word document, I didn't mean to imply that I was going to write them a letter. I simply meant that I would write down my issues on Word, work through them and then delete the Word document, vs. posting an OT.
    As for my friend, she actually is an attorney, and she works for the HUD/low income/subsidized housing authority for the county. She suggested that I write the letter, with her, to the family, because they are at that house, as tenants that participate in Section 8 housing, and they have additional rules to follow. I always thought HUD and Section 8 were apartments or whole neighborhoods, not a house or two in an otherwise owner-occupied neighborhood. Learn something every day.
    I personally have nothing against either families, and conflict (or bringing up issues that may cause conflict) is the one thing I would not like to happen. I am thankful that school starts tomorrow and hopefully, by next summer, the little girl will have matured a bit more. It was never the dogs, dogs bark, but it took me aback to hear a 12 year old girl barking and howling so loudly with them! It was a bit amusing, until little man woke up and decided he didn't enjoy my amusement, lol.
    As for the older lady, I always smile and wave anyway. But her mind has been made up about me and I am not really willing to put in all the effort in changing that, as she is not very close to where I live and I only see her in passing. I just wish she would stop being so judgmental, especially in front of a very impressionable grandson. As for writing her a letter, it would probably be best, if I wanted to (which I don't) if I did communicate that way with her, as she wouldn't even let me get a word in on the one conversation we had. I have always been taught to respect my elders, and I tried. It is all I can do, and I think I did well enough.

  • greentoe357
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    > As for my friend, she actually is an attorney

    Oh, then it's all materially better for you, with bases covered, of course. Best wishes with all this.

  • zzackey
    9 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm sorry! I tend to shoot from the hip. I felt so sorry for you. We all need to vent sometimes. Sounds like you are taking the right steps. Good luck and God Bless!

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