"It's a hold-up, not a Botany lesson. Now, no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the lupins you've got."
..Dennis Moore

But Cady, that's the beauty of it when it all comes together as part of one grand design:

Imagine, if you will:

Kirk: Captain's Log Stardate 2918.2 and a half...long... raaange sensors ind-icate there is a... station of... unknown configuration or-biting the Earth. Enterprise has dropped out of warp, detouring, from, original assignment to Janus VI to in...vestigate reports of mining deaths.

WHISTLE HAILS

Kirk: Kirk here.

Spock: Captain, you need to have a look at this.

Kirk: Patch it down here.

KIRK SEES WHAT LOOKS LIKE AN 1960's ERA ORBITING SPACE STATION.

Kirk: OK, Spocko, what, does, the, lettering say?

Spock: It appears to read, "Thunderbird 5." Fascinating, I've not encountered this phenomenon before..."

Kirk: What is it Spock?

Spock: Sensor scans indicate a rip in the space-time continuum just occurred...a colossal space wedgey of extraordinary magnitude has merged what I threorize to be at least six parallel universes converging on Earth's surface.

Kirk: Where?

Spock: Lt. Sulu's navigational sensors confirm singularity occurring 25 kilometers north of London, in the former United Kingdom.

Kirk: And the space station? Anything? Could they be the cause of all of this?

Spock: Negative. It appears they are as much an innocent bystander as we are.

Kirk: Hail them.

Uhura: Hailing frequencies open, sir.

Kirk: Thunderbird 5, this is... Captain James T. Kirk... of the Starship En-terprise. Please identify yourselves.

SNARE DRUMS TAPPING MILITARY CADENCE AS CAMERA ZOOMS INTO THUNDERBIRD 5

John Tracy: This is Thunderbird 5 of International Rescue, do you require assistance?

Kirk: Do...we...re...quire...assistance. Again, this the the USS En-terprise from the United Federation of Planets. State your intent.

John Tracy: We perform rescues all over the world...in fact we've just dispatched two of our rescue ships outside of London where there seem to be reports of giant bouncing balls going through empty cities and plants terrorizing civilians.

Kirk: Spock, can you confirm that?

Spock: Yes I can and sensors pick up an additional energy surge...

Kirk: That replicated pork and beans Rand served me got to my stoma...

Spock: No, captain, on the planet surface.

Kirk: Recommendations?

Spock: Suggest we beam down to investigate.

Kirk: OK, you, McCoy, and Ensign Leibowitz, meet me in the transporter room.

FADE TO SCENE OF EMPTY AND DESERTED ENGLISH TOWN WITH HUGE BOUNCING BEACH BALL FOLLOWING A MAN LOOKING LIKE PATRICK MCGOOHAN. IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS BUCOLIC SCENE, YELLOW SPARKLING OCCURS REVEALING FOUR ENTERPRISE OFFICERS, KIRK, SPOCK, MCCOY, AND A GUY IN A RED UNIFORM.

Kirk: OK, Bones, Spock, your with me. You with the red uniform, check out the commotion over by those plants.

Leibowitz: Aye, aye, sir.

LEIBOWITZ WALKS BEHIND A FENCE WHEN HE SEE'S THESE OVERSIZED SUNFLOWER PLANTS WALKING TOWARDS THIS MAN IN A BOWLER WITH AN UMBRELLA THAT HE'S USING AS A SWORD. JUST NEXT TO HIM IS A VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN IN A LEATHER JUMP SUIT APPEARING TO JUDO CHOPPING THE PLANTS.

Steed: Well, done, Mrs. Peel.

Peel: I see you've improved you pruning technique, Steed.

PERPLEXED BY ALL OF THIS, LEIBOWITZ FAILED TO REALIZE ONE OF THE MOBILE PLANTS BEHIND HIM...

Leibowitz: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kirk: What was that?

McCoy: What in blazes...it came from over there.

THEY RUN TO WHERE LEIBOWITZ ONCE STOOD...NOW JUST A TORN RED SHIRT, BOOTS, AND BLOOD. OH YEAH AND A BURPING PLANT.

Kirk: Phasers...on...full. FIRE.

PHOTONIC LIGHT EMITS FROM DEVICES THAT LOOK LIKE ELECTRIC SHAVERS AND INSTANTLY DISINTEGRATE THE MAN-EATING PLANT AND A PARTIALLY DIGESTED ENSIGN LEIBOWITZ.

Steed: TO KIRK. Hello, good man.

Kirk: TO MRS. PEEL. Heellllloooo.

Spock: Sir, do you know what's happening here?

Steed: No idea, old chap. What the devil happened with those ears?

Kirk: Combine rice-picking accident, never mind.

Steed: Right then, Mrs. Peel and I were solving a case where these little toy balls seemed to hypnotize people and all of sudden we were fighting the awful plants.

McCoy: Plants?

Peel: Yes, man-eating, I suppose. A man in a captain's uniform ran out with a little girl calling them "triffids."

Kirk: Analysis, Bones?

McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a landscape designer!

JUST AT THAT MOMENT, A MARK I BRITISH POLICE BOX MATERIALIZES AND A MAN IN A WHITE SUIT STEPS OUT.

Kirk: Who are you?

Doctor Who: That's right.

Kirk: What's right?

Doctor Who: Who's right.

Spock: Who's right? Highly illogical sir.

Doctor Who: No it isn't. You haven't seen any metal looking things, about one meter high on wheels?

McCoy: No but we saw something like that called "Nomad" a few months ago that killed a few of the red-shirted guys.

Doctor Who: You are a peculiar chap? And you sir (LOOKING AT SPOCK). What dimension are you from?

JUST THEN, THE SOUND OF A ROCKETS BECAME DEAFENING AS A CYLINDRICAL SHIP LABELED TB1 LANDED FOLLOWED BY A GREEN COLORED SHIP, LABELED THUNDERBIRD 2.

Kirk: TO SPOCK: Klingon?

Spock: Highly unlikely, Captain. The odds of it are approximately 5,243 to 1.

JUST AS THEY ARE ABOUT TO MEET THE MYSTERIOUS MEN FROM THE TWO ROCKET SHIPS, MORE TRIFFIDS ARE ABOUT TO ATTACK THE GROUP.

Steed: Gentlemen...and ladies...let me instruct you on the art of pruning.

FADE TO BLACK WITH "TO BE CONTINUED"face>

See Cady, anything is possible in this thread. And we can even discuss pruning recommendations.

spectre

BWA-HAHAHAHA. Hope Spike doesn't let this thread vaporize into the Black Hole like other old threads.

I knew Leibowitz was doomed the moment I saw the name, "Leibowitz." (Of course, anyone with half a brain for cliche knows it's always the extras who get killed).

Yeah, the possibilities are endless. But we need a whole new forum or, for that matter, website to handle them.

Not to worry--I copied and pasted the whole thing to word last night. Since I don't know what I am doing I didn't know how to make it "printer friendly" (ie--take out all the extraa spaces, etc) so it took (NO LIE!) 26 pages. If anyone REALLY wants it in the futre, I'll e-mail it as the worlds longest attachmnent!

melanie

Hey, I am not a number, I am a human being!!11111111

What is that incredibley big white balloon coming my way.

Perry,

That's Rover.

I am not a number! I am a free man!

I couldn't watch The Prisoner when I was a kid because it gave me terrible nightmares. The Avengers(another rather freaky Brit import), no problem. But everytime I watched The Prisoner I'd wake up sweating and TOTALLY tangled in my sheets....

melanie

OMG! Spectre Iam happy to report my unmentionables are unscathed but it was a near thing as I was laughing so hard. This is turning into my childhood revisted, on LSD! Scary and funny all at the same time. Now to complete the TV theme and maintain a gardening aspect, Roger Swain can show us how to compost Ensign Leibowitz while Jerry Baker battles triffids with mouthwash and baking soda...

Hello All:

I figured we need to get this forum an identity and I think we've found it. Garden and pop culture revival. LOL, Scott! Composting Leibowitz was brilliant!

If I have some time, I'll write Part II because out of all the parallel universes we've discussed so far, the Monty Python troupe hasn't been introduced to our herbicidal heroes yet.

spectre

P.S.: Melanie, I can print this to Adobe PDF and e-mail it to you when it's finished. It will keep all of the HTML formatting. Let me know if you're interested.

Composting Leibowitz has potential as a high concept movie. Like Eating Raoul

Cady two for two...*sigh*
I guess I was getting The Prisoner and John Merrick all mixed up. Thats what you get in the morning sans caffine and attempting to be facetious.

Spectre you scare me. LOL!!!!

patiently awaiting part two......

"If I have some time, I'll write Part II because out of all the parallel universes we've discussed so far, the Monty Python troupe hasn't been introduced to our herbicidal heroes yet."

I am a shrubber. Roger the shrubber. I grow, arrange and sell shrubberies. [ADD TEXT] I also remove unwanted shrubberies by using Roundup and other herbicides.

P.S.
Perry,
No worries. Just remembering any of this 60s television trivia is miraculous enough for those of us who are dragging middle age as much as pushing it.

First look at our property when for sale in 1985. Looks better now. EP
{{gwi:1186135}}

Wow! I never thought that an entire property could look like "Cousin IT" from the Addams Family! :)
Your place was wild and wooly.

What did you use to thin out the tangle?

The following NBC program is brought to you in living color.

"THE TROUBLES WITH TRIFFIDS, PART II"

FADE IN AS OUR HEROES, CAPTAIN KIRK, MR. SPOCK, DR. MCCOY, DOCTOR WHO, JOHN STEED AND EMMA PEEL ARE IN A DESERTED BRITISH DOWN 25 MILES NORTH OF LONDON. THUNDERBIRDS 1 AND 2 ARE NOW DESCENDING AND LANDING AS THEY ARE ABOUT TO CONFRONT THE EVIL TRIFFIDS...

Kirk (FOR EASE OF TYPING, PICTURE SHATNER SPEAKING): Captain's Log...Armageddon...while the Enterprise was enroute to Janus VI to investigate reports of digested miners, we were caught in a multi-dimensional...rip in space-time while approaching Earth. We now find ourselves in a representation of a mid-20th century English town, completely deserted except for a few people, one claiming to be a...time lord...and a man and a beautiful woman, deadly enough, but constantly referring to champagne. An alien form of plant life called...a "triffid" has already killed one the the extr...errrrr...my men....and it looks like we're next on the menu of the carniverous plants. As if that weren't enough, two alien ships are landing at the same time

Kirk: What do you make of this, Spock?

Spock: Difficult to say, captain, but I can find no logical explanation for our current circumstances...

McCoy: You pointy eared, half-breed, you and that blasted logic. We're in England, with characters from Alice in Wonderland around us and we're surrounded by man-eating plants and you're talking about logic?

Spock: Your irrational behavior is also illogical, Doc...

Kirk: Enough from you two...conclusions, Spock? Do you...suppose this might another planet like the one we took shore leave on?

Spock: Insufficient data to say...suggest we beam down security team in red shirts, have them think about knights in shining armor, set up a jousting match, see if they get impaled, and observe if they are taken below to be repaired.

Kirk: Agreed...but first we need to do something about the plants, Dr. McCoy?

McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a tree pruner.

JUST THEN, A 2 FOOT HIGH MAN, OR WAIT, PUPPET, OR WAIT MARIONETTE, HOPS LIGHTLY AS IF HE'S TRYING TO WALK. HE TALKS INTO A MICROPHONE.

Scott: Thunderbird 1 to Thunderbird 2?

Voice on Speaker: Read you loud and clear, Scott.

Scott: Virgil, here's the situation. There are giants here, 3 guys in kaleidoscope pajamas, 1 man in white, 1 man in a bowler and 3 piece dark suit with a parasol, and a woman in a leather suit. They are being surrounded and attacked by what I believe to be carniverous plants that look like giant sunflowers. Suggest you roll out Pod 5.

Virgil on Speaker: F.A.B., Scott

CUT TO CLOSE UP OF GREEH SHIP GIVING ITSELF A BOOST TO REVEAL A CONTAINER UNDERNEATH.

Kirk: McCoy, look at the midget.

Spock: That's impolite, Capta...

Kirk: No, not that...look at those wires attached to his arms and legs. Bones, tricorder readings.

McCoy: (PULLS OUT BLACK BOX THAT LOOKS LIKE PORTABLE 8-TRACK TAPE DECK). Incredible Jim, there are no lifesigns whatsoever...that..."man" is made entirely of plastic and wood, as if he were...

Spock: Were a mannequin...notice those wires, Captain. They reach up into the sky and disappear.

Kirk: What's wrong with that? We all get strung around once in awhile?

Spock: No captain, the disappear into the what my readings say is the exact location of the singularity. Fascinating. I'm developing a theory.

Kirk: What?

Spock: This could be the work of Trelayne.

McCoy: No, Trelayne?

Kirk: Yes, why not...this has all the makings of one his created planets. The bizarre white suited man with the phone booth, plants that eat people. The Squire of Gothos even has put puppets in space ships to toy with us.

Spock: Precisely, Captain.

Kirk: OK then, here's the plan...we then look for a mirror I can shoot out that most likely will be his source of power. Assuming the woman in the jump suit is real, I take her back to the ship so I can....errr...we can interrogate her.

McCoy: What if they're part of Trelayne's fantasy?

Kirk: Huh...oh then we tell Mr. Scott to implement General Order 24.

JUST THEN THE POD IS LOWERED, OPENING UP TO REVEAL A WHITE PLASTIC CANISTER.

Steed: Excuse me for intruding upon this fascinating conversation, but to you think we can direct our energies towards these bloody plants?

Kirk: Who?

Doctor Who: What?

Kirk: I said Who?

Doctor Who: And I said what?

Kirk: I mean who...to him (POINTING TO STEED)

Steed: Them (POINTING TO THE TRIFFIDS).

Mrs. Peel: Steed?

Steed: Yes, Mrs. Peel?

Mrs. Peel: How do you gather we will extricate ourselves from our current dillema?

Doctor Who: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

KIRK IS ABOUT TO RUSH TOWARDS THE JON PERTWEE-LIKE GUY WHEN SPOCK RESTRAINS HIM.

Spock: It's too late for him.

McCoy: Poor devil...if it weren't for you and your damned logic, we'd be able to save people, instead of talking about it all of the time and always rescuing people or universes with 1 second to spare.

DOCTOR WHO WAS ATTACKED BY A TRIFFID, AN NOW MEETS THE SAME FATE AS LEIBOWITZ. AT THE SAME TIME OUE REMAINING HEROES ARE READY TO MAKE A FINAL STAND WHEN THIS ROUSING 60's MIX OF JOHN BARRY AND BARRY GRAY MUSIC COMES FROM ALL AROUND. POD 5 ACTUALLY SAYS "ROUNDUP" AND THE MIDGET PUPPETS, INCLUDING A WIMPY ONE WITH THICK GLASSES AND A STUTTER ARE SPRAYING IT ON ALL OF THE PLANTS.

Spock: Fascinating...we could have modified the ships phasers to emit a frequency that would mimic the same effect that Roundup has.

McCoy: And what's that Spock?

Spock: Glycophosphate, the active ingredient in what used to be sold on Earth under the trade name, Roundup. Rarely used anymore except as an ingredient in Sarian Brandy.

Kirk: Well, thanks to those Thunderbird midgets, we're OK for now, but we lost that weirdo in the white suit and...

Spock: Wait, look captain (POINTING AT A TRIFFID THAT NOW HAS A SEVERE CASE OF DIARRHEA).

OUT OF WHAT USED TO BE A TRIFFID AND LOOKS SOYLENT GREEN, A DIFFERENT LOOKING MAN LOOKING LIKE TOM BAKER IN THE SAME WHITE SUIT EMERGES.

Kirk: We thought you were dead?

Doctor Who: I was, but I regenerated.

McCoy: That's impossible.

Doctor Who: Perhaps, but who knows...it might happen to one of you someday...maybe to your devilish looking friend from the ...what dimension are you from?

Kirk: Nonsense...Spock can no more regenerate than...uh...Khan coming back to hurt us. That, sir, is the genesis for a bad motion picture.

Doctor Who: Suit yourself, but I must be going...if you see any metallic looking chaps, 1 meter high, calling themselves Daleks, be a good fellow and don't tell them where I've gone.

Kirk: We wouldn't know even if you told us.

WITH THAT, LIGHTS REMINISCENT OF THE OPENING TITLE TO WAYNE'S WORLD FLASH AND THE DOCTOR AND HIS MARK I, ARE GONE.

Kirk: TO STEED, Well let's go thank those guys and find out who they are.

JUST THEN MORE TRIFFIDS ARE COMING OUT OF THE TISSUE CULTURE LAB THAT JUST HAPPENED TO BE IN THIS ENGLISH CITY. THE THUNDERBIRDS ARE OUT OF ROUNDUP.

Kirk: What were you saying about pruning recommendations, Steed?

AT THAT MOMENT THEY HEARD WHAT SOUNDED LIKE HORSES AND METAL CLANKING COMING FROM OUT OF THE TOWN.

THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER (WHILE KIRK IS LOOKING AT MRS. PEEL) WITH DREAD, NOT NOTICING ANOTHER HUGE BALL CHASING AFTER THE SAME PATRICK MCGOOHAN-LIKE MAN, THIS TIME YELLING "I'M NOT A NUMBER, BUT I NEED TO TAKE NUMBER 2!" RUNNING PAST THEM.

FADE TO BLACK AND "TO BE CONTINUED" face>

Next time, the big finale...and Cady, once again, we don't get off topic in these threads...we just come around to the point again.

spectre

Cady...Work. Money (for professional tree trimming and removal. Also for truck loads of dirt and other organic elements). Round Up (to get rid of poison ivy). Time. The woods was even worse. The surveyors had to hack their way through with machetes to define the property boundries. We uncovered plant treasure beneath the jungle. We appreciate and enjoy it now. Your photo page is interesting. Haven't had time to study it thoroughly yet. We have an interesting varigated cane that was here when we came. Don't know whether it is a bamboo or a river cane. River cane was once a common thing in NEOK. I might have a photo of it. EP

Triffid with diarrhea can be very serious. If sample is negative for ova of parasites recommend to begin with kaopectate at a dose of 1 to 2 ml/kg every 2 hours if needed. Can give pedialyte as electrolyte supplementation.

Do not use the chocolate flavored kaopectate, as this may make the diarrhea more severe.

Recommend culture/sensetivity of the diarrhea and treat appropriately based on results.

If diarrhea is severe, recommend hospitalization and IV fluids...LRS or Normosol.

If Triffid is vomiting, recommend nothing by mouth (NPO) for minimum 24 hours and dose with metoclopramide0.2 to 0.5 mg/kg tid SC or 0.01 to 0.02 mg/kg/hr constant infusion.

Spectre (and has any one thought of where THAT name came from? Hint:Da da da daaaaa) You save 'em anyway you want honey! I DO want to save this thread!

Y'all DO realize that SayPoint has gotten EVERY SINGLE REPLY in her mailbox? hehehehehehehehehehehe

Can you imagine if she'd left TOWN for a few days--and came home to THIS?

melanie

enchantedplace,
I figured a lot of the improvement came from elbow grease and moolah. Roundup goes without saying. ;)

River cane is bamboo, if we're talking about the same thing -- Arundinaria gigantia, river cane, is our only native bamboo. As you said, it's native to your area. If you have a variegated sport growing on your property, you're bamboo blessed. I've never heard of variegated Arundinaria. On the other hand, you might have Arundo donax, a native large grass, which does have a variegated version. I hope you have Arundinaria though, because it's native and so much of it has been destroyed by agriculture and development. In a way, I see its cultivation as a form of garden restoration!

Mel and Spectre,
LMAO! I think that Spectre has too much time on his hands during winter. Yeah, poor SayPoint. But, this is a thread I will copy, save and cherish.

Spectre, you weren't a screenwriter in a previous life (in between careers) were you?
Meanwhile, I'm on the edge of my chair, waiting to see what happens to the erstwhile running McGoohan-type dude and the TRIFFIDS.

Hello All:

Check out my home page and you'll see where I came up with spectre. And yeah, I have a spare hour to write this and no, I've never been a screenwriter. I'm in the biotechnology and genomics industry with a strong passion for tropical gardening.

And I'm also doing everything in my power to get this forum off to a good start.

spectre

Genomics and biotechnology, eh? I did some grad study in primate evolutionary ecology. We should talk Rhesus Pieces(TM) sometime. :)

I think you've done a super job getting this forum off to a good start. Having everyone laugh-snorting coffee out their noses onto the monitor is my idea of a rolicking good start.

Thanks Cady. Didn't intend to divert from the 'topic' of this thread. Your botanical identifications can help in searching identity. Maybe if you have a bamboo thread later I can find a photo to share. Anyway, it was already here, requires no care except removing the canes annually for regrowth the following year, and always gets comments from visitors. EP

Heehee. Your posts are the only ones that are remotely close to the thread title!

There is a Bamboo forum on the GardenWeb, and it has a photo gallery. If you have time, you can post a photo there and all of the "bambooseros" will jump all over it to give an ID. :)

No, folks, I haven't been out of town. I don' think I've ever seen a thread get so long, so quickly. Of course, I'm not getting anything done, I keep coming back to see if there are any new posts!
Nice to see everyone having so much fun.

Live Long and Prosper
Jo

The following NBC program is brought to you in living color.

THE TROUBLE WITH TRIFFIDS, PART III

FADE IN TO OUR HEROES THREATENED BY ANOTHER HEDGEROW OF TRIFFIDS. AFTER THE VALIANT EFFORT BY INTERNATIONAL RESCUE TO SPRAY ROUNDUP ON THE MAN-EATING PLANTS, POD 5 FROM THUNDERBIRD 2 HAS RUN OUT OF MATERIAL. UNFORTUNATELY, BRAIN FELT IT WAS IMPORTANT TO LOAD THE EMERGENCY POD WITH SLUGGO, BECAUSE HE THOUGHT THERE WAS A GOOD CHANCE OF ENCOUNTERING MAN-EATING SLUGS.

Virgil: I'm afraid there's not more we can do for you unless you're attacked by man-eating slugs.

Kirk: Shouldn't you get out of here?

Scott: We will but we're made of plastic, the triffids can't eat us.

Spock: Very well...thank you for your assistance.

Scott: (AS HE BOARDS TB1) That's our job. We'll be back as soon as we get more supplies, but The Hood has been foiling our efforts. We'll do what we can.

Kirk: The Hood?

Virgil: Yeah, bald Asian guy with glowing eyes, wants to destroys us and steal our technology?

McCoy: Sounds like Harry Mudd.

Virgil: Who?

Kirk: Lets not start that again?

Spock: DonÂt worry, heÂs gone.

Kirk: Who?

Spock: Yes?

Virgil: What?

Spock: Never mind. (HOLDING THE VULCAN SIGN OF GREETING) Live Long and Prosper.

Virgil: No problem there, we have a rich dad, DVD royalties and the love of aging hipsters from all over the world.

Scott: Thunderbirds are go....F.A.B.

AND BOTH SHIPS BLAST OFF, TEMPORARILY GIVING OUR REMAINING HEROES BREATHING ROOM FROM THE TRIFFIDS. HOWEVER THE METAL SOUNDS AND HORSES ARE GETTING LOUDER. FIRST MAN WHO APPEARS IS A MAN IN A MEDIEVAL BLACK SUIT OF ARMOR.

Kirk: I'll deal with this...

Steed: No, Captain, I think I should...I am somewhat familiar with English customs.

KIRK REALIZING THE DAPPER BRIT HAS A POINT, BACKS AWAY

Kirk: When did we bring down the crew to dream about the knights to test the shore leave theory?

Spock: We never did...these horses originated from the same singularity that we all originated from.

JUST THEN, STEED WAS WALKING TOWARDS THE TRIFFID WHEN THE BLACK KNIGHT STEPPED IN FRONT OF HIM

Black Knight: None shall pass.

Steed: (TAKEN ABACK) Pardon me sir?

Black Knight: None shall pass.

Mrs. Peel: We have no quarrel with you, Sir knight, but step aside so we can fight the plants.

Black Knight: Then you shall die.

Steed: We will die if we donÂt start pruning the plants.

Black Knight: Plants? Plants you say? SHRUBBERY?

Steed: In a way, yes.

Black Knight: Oh well, thatÂs different, but itÂs with those men (THE OTHERS APPROACHING). You still canÂt pass. (DRAWS SWORD)

Steed: As you wish. (DRAWS SWORD)

A SHORT BATTLE ENSUES, WHERE STEED, RELATIVELY UNENCUMBERED BY ARMOR, EASILY DODGES THE SLOW AND HEAVY STRIKES BY THE BLACK KNIGHT. FINALLY, STEED DODGES A STRIKE, STEPS ASIDE, AND CUTS THE BLACK KNIGHT'S LEFT ARM OFF WITH HIS SWORD. BLOOD SPURTS FROM THE KNIGHT'S OPEN SHOULDER.

Steed: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.

Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.

Mrs. Peel: A scratch? Your arm's off!

Black Knight: No it isn't!

Mrs. Peel: Well what's that then? (POINTING TO THE ARM LYING ON THE GROUND)

Black Knight: I've had worse.

Steed: You liar!

Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!

Steed: Mrs. Peel, care to do the honors?

Mrs. Peel: DonÂt I always?

THERE FOLLOWS AN EVEN SHORTER FORAY, AT THE END OF WHICH MRS. PEEL EASILY CUTS OFF THE BLACK KNIGHT'S RIGHT ARM, CAUSING IT, AND THE BLACK KNIGHT'S SWORD TO DROP TO THE GROUND. BLOOD SPATTERS FREELY FROM THE STUMP.

Steed: Well done as always, Mrs Peel. LetsÂs deal with the triffids...

HEÂS KICKED BY THE BLACK KNIGHT
Black Knight: Come on, then! (KICKS STEED AGAIN)

Steed: What?!?

Black Knight: (KICKING HIM AGAIN) Ohhhh, had enough, eh?

Steed: Look, you stupid b@$tard, you've got no arms left!

Black Knight: Yes I have!

Mrs. Peel: LOOK!!!

Black Knight: Just a flesh wound! (KICKING STEED AGAIN)

Steed: Look, STOP that!

Black Knight: Chicken! Chicken!

Steed: Look, I'll have your leg!

THE BLACK KNIGHT CONTINUES HIS KICKING

Steed: RIGHT! (HE CHOPS OFF THE BLACK KNIGHT'S LEG WITH HIS SWORD)

Black Knight: (HOPPING) Right! I'll do you for that!

Mrs. Peel: You'll what?

Black Knight: Come 'ere!

Steed: What're you going to do, bleed on me?

Black Knight: I'm INVINCIBLE!!!

Steed: You're a looney....

Black Knight: The Black Knight ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! Have at you!! (HOPPING AROUND, TRYING TO KICK STEED WITH HIS ONE REMAINING LEG)

MEANWHILE THE ENTERPRISE CREW HAVE BEEN BBQING TRIFFIDS WITH THEIR PHASERS. KIRK HAS BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO THE SKIRMISM BETWEEN STEED AND THE BLACK KNIGHT.

STEED SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS AND, WITH A MIGHTY SWING, REMOVES THE BLACK KNIGHT'S LAST LIMB. THE KNIGHT FALLS TO THE GROUND. HE LOOKS ABOUT, REALIZING HE CAN'T MOVE.

Black Knight: Okay, we'll call it a draw.

Steed: Come, Mrs. Peel (THEY START CHOPPING TRIFFIDS)

Black Knight: (CALLING AFTER THEM) Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you yellow b@$tards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

KIRK WALKS TO THE QUADRAPLEGIC BLACK KNIGHT

Black Knight: You look like a twit in that yellow pyjama. You are a yellow b@$tard! Come on figh...(KIRK FIRES HIS PHASER FULL AND MELTS HIM)

Spock: Captain! You realized you just violated the Prime Directive by killing the...gentleman.

Kirk: (PUZZLED BECAUSE THEY VIOLATE THE PRIME DIRECTIVE ON EVERY MISSION AND SPOCK RARELY MENTIONS IT.) How do you know it wasnÂt another puppet?

Spock: Because of the blood and stumps spewing from his wounds.

Kirk: Well...yeah. But, look, if you arrest me and throw me into the brig, you'll take command, right?

Spock: Logical.

Kirk: And whoÂs going to get the girl in the end, you or me?

Spock: Well....

Kirk: Is it Pon-Farr season yet?

Spock: (REALIZING KIRK IS RIGHT) Not until next season. OK, Captain, logical, but highly non-sequitor.

THE ENTERPRISE CREW JOINS THE AVENGERS FIGHTING THE TRIFFIDS WITH PHASERS. JUST THEN MORE HORSES AND MEDIEVAL SUITED MEN COME IN TO ENGAGE IN THE DEADLY AND EXCITING BATTLE WITH THE TRIFFIDS.

Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

Kirk: Who are you?

Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say..."Ni"!

Steed: (HUMOROUSLY PUZZLED) No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"!

Knight of Ni: The same.

Other Knight of Ni: Who are we?

Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm!

Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm!

Steed: (TO KIRK, SPOCK, MCCOY AND MRS. PEEL) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!

Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand...a sacrifice!

Kirk: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the destruction of these carnivorous plants and return to our own dimension.

Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

Steed: No! Noooo! AAHHHHHH! No!

Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" to you... if you do not appease us.

Kirk: Well what is it you want?

Knight of Ni: We want...

PREGNANT PAUSE

Knight of Ni: A SHRUBBERY!!!!

DRAMATIC MINOR CHORD

Kirk: A what?

Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni!

Steed: No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery.

Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery...or else you will never pass through this wood...alive.

Steed: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.

Knight of Ni: One that looks nice.

Kirk: Of course they look nice, theyÂre trying to eat us.

Knight of Ni: And not too expensive.

Steed (LOOKING AT KIRK TO SHUTUP): Yes!

Knight of Ni: Noowwwww....GO!

MONTY PYTHON MUSIC PLAYS, MIXED WITH THE VULCAN FIGHT THEME WHILE THEY PICK UP WHATEVER REMAINS OF TRIFFID THEY CAN FIND.

Steed: O Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?

Knight of Ni: Yes, it is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem....

Kirk: What is that?

Knight of Ni: We are now "no longer" the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

Other Knights of Ni: Ni! Shh! Shh!

Knight of Ni: We are now the Knights who say "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm".

Other Knight of Ni: Ni!

Knight of Ni: Therefore, we must give you a test.

Mrs Peel: What is this test, o Knights of...Knights who 'til recently said "Ni"?

Knight of Ni: Quiet, comely wench. Firstly, you must find...ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!!

ANOTHER MINOR CHORD

Kirk: Oh not another shrubbery! (OBVIOUSLY EXASPERATED) IÂve had enough of this!
KIRK, EXASPERATED BY THIS, PHASER STUNS ALL THE KNIGHT OF "NI" OFF OF THEIR HORSES. AFTER THEY FALL OFF THEIR HORSES, THE TRIFFIDS CONVERGE ON THE STUNNED KNIGHTS OF NI

McCoy: Look what youÂve done, Captain, the triffids are attacking the knights.

Spock: The will not be able to eat them because they canÂt penetrate the armor.

Mrs. Peel: But look, they are eating SOMETHING and dying.

SURE ENOUGH, UPON CLOSER INSPECTION THE TRIFFIDS ARE CONSUMING THESE SQUARE BLUE CANISTERS AND ARE MELTING INTO A GREEN GELATINOUS MESS.

Kirk: Sensor readings, Spock.

Spock: (USING HIS 8-TRACKÂERRRRÂTRICORDER). The material is a porcine-based gelatinous protein mix and...Captain...the triffids...are eating Spam.

Kirk: Of...course...Spam! The salt water in it is killing them.

McCoy: What the devil is Spam.

Steed: It was a meat substitute developed during the second world war as a response to meat rationing. Never very popular, but it does have a cult following. Why you can have Eggs and Spam, Sausage and Spam, Bacon and Spam, Egg, Spam and Coffee, Eggs and bacon and coffee (AND OUT OF NOWHERE A CHORUS OF THE STUNNED KNIGHTS START SINGING)

Knights: SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, LOVELYYYY SPAM, THAT WONDERFUL SPAM!

Spock: Fascinating.

Kirk: Twisted would be my word (HIS COMMUNICATOR BEEPS. HE GRAB IT AND FLIPS IT OPEN) Kirk here.

Scott: Arrrghhh, ya git yerrselves atta dere now, Captun. The singularrrrity eeez closing.

Kirk: Estimated time.

Scott: I dunna knough eeef I cun git yah owt een time.

Kirk: OK, Scott, 3 for emergency beam-up.

THE ENTERPRISE CREW PREPARE FOR TRANSPORTATION BY STANDING IN A TRIANGLE.

Kirk: (TO STEED) Will you be all right.

Steed: (AS HE AND MRS. PEEL GET INTO THE BENTLEY) WeÂll be splendid, donÂt you worry. WeÂll drive out the same way we came in and....

Mrs. Peel: And I suspect weÂll be back on the case with the little hypnotic toy balls.

Spock: I can research my archives in the tricorder and tell you how to solve it.

Steed: No worries, mate. That wouldnÂt be sporting...besides, we wouldnÂt have a story.

Spock: Logical, Mr. Steed, Flawlessly logical.

Steed: (DRIVING AWAY) See you on The Love Boat!

THE CREW DEMATERIALIZES AND THE BUCOLIC DESERTED TOWN DISAPPEARS INTO NOTHINGNESS, EXCEPT THE PATRICK MCGOOHAN-LOOKING GENT STILL BEING CHASED BY A BALL WITH TOILET PAPER DRAGGING FROM HIS SLACKS YELLING "IÂm a man but I had to do Number 2!"

CUT TO THE BRIDGE OF THE USS ENTERPRISE

Kirk: Resume previous heading to Janus VI, maximum warp. Helm.

Sulu: Aye, aye, Captain.

MCCOY AND SPOCK ARE GATHERED AROUND THE CAPTAINÂS CHAIR, ENGAGED IN THEIR USUAL END OF EPISODE BANTER

McCoy: Did you ever figure out what that was all about, Spock?

Spock: No, but I have a theory. For some unexplainable reason, the tear and rip, with the merge in parallel universes had me intrigued. So I fed the data in the computer and the historical archives collated data that all of the people we encountered were characters in a 20th century medium known as a Âtelevision program. The carnivorous plants for example were from a 1960Âs era British movie called Day of the Triffids. And the knights were pulled directly from a comedy team known at the time as Monty PythonÂs Flying Circus.

Kirk: For what reason?

Spock: Unclear, though there was an obscure reference to a discussion taking place about pruning recommendations of all things in the year 2004 on an early computer net known as the Internet. The discussion seemed highly illogical as you humans are apt to be. It deteriorated to the point where various characters from these Âtelevision programs were discussed in a way that seemed to take the participants to their childhood. Indications are that the participants highly enjoyed it,

McCoy: But what does that have to do with us.

Spock: That was the curious thing doctor, there were references to a program called ÂStar Trek with characters remarkably similar to us, though I thought the character similar to "Spock" had no substance to him at all.

Kirk: Why this discussion and why us?

Spock: Insufficient data for logical conclusions. But if you will excuse me, Sulu asked me if can prune his shrubs and hand plant in the herbarium.

Kirk: Well itÂs good to know that in our real world we donÂt wear pajama-style uniforms, or have devices that look like they came out of kidÂs playroom, like those other characters.

McCoy: I donÂt know about that...I found Mr. SpockÂs tricorder very cheap looking, like an old-fashioned 8-track tape deck they used to use in that era.

Spock: Doctor...(INDIGNANT) I see know reason to continue to stay and be insulted like this.

All: HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH

Kirk: (FINISHING CORNY ACTING LAUGH) Steady as she goes Mr. Sulu, Warp Factor 6

REAR VIEW OF ENTERPRISE (W/O BALLS ON END OF ENGINE NACELLES) TRAVELING SLOWING AWAY FROM CAMERA WHILE MAIN CREDIT APPEAR AND CLOSING MUSIC.

THE ENDface>

See and the end we're still talking about pruning.

spectre

I can't believe it. I guessed the ultimate origin of Spectre's screen name! I am VERY pleased with myself. Cue 007 music--"Da da da daaa da da da..."

ok--lame. but I AM pleased with myself. I am also easily amused--life is more fun that way.

And Sir Spectre (who is liscensed to till) you have missed your calling. At the VERY least you should be writing for the Onion.

Melanie

BRAVO, Spectre. A fitting ending to the tale. And whattacoincidence... The crew headed out in Warp Factor 6, and McGoohan's Prisoner's number was... 6!

BRAVO! Maestro! We come back to shrubberies at the last, and even some light pruning at the very end (for Sulu, no less; I had no idea that Spock had Japanese pruning skills) My admiration for him still grows with the passing years. Spock for President! Let's give Ginger a real choice on Tuesday...

Well done, Spectre! In keeping with the topic of restoration and historic garden architecture, see my home page for an audio clip of Dr. McCoy's assessment of my landscaping.
Jo

Spectre .......
you still scare me!!! lol
Awsome epic. Standing Ovation.
I hope y'all checked out EP's home site, quite a change from the original pic she posted. EP/Cady keep us posted on the bamboo. Maybe somewhere along the line heirloom plants and restoration site can have a plant cross reference & gallery.
My home computer is hard down [smoke plumes in the den] on a friends this morning. But how addicted am I? enough tyo pop the GW up to see what Part III was all about. [this is bad very bad!!! *sigh*lol] see you folks monday.

The really scary thing, is that someone can do a site search for "TRIFFIDS," and something will actually come up!

As long as they don't get their own forum.

P.S. Perry, you're among friends who understand. Here and at whoever's house is that you're using the 'puter. lol

PhD--my sympathies. I understand-last year whenwe were powerless for 6 days I waited in line at the 'Brary--so I oculd check in on GW... I'd sayit's one of the healthier addictions one could have. At least we laugh and learn something along the way!

melanie

Jo, TOO FUNNY! Y'all are just slayin' me...

Go to Jo's page and make sure you have the sound on...

For the scientists. This website is under construction.

more for scientists

Nominations for Pulitzer Prizes start with submission of the journalistic achievement.

To facilitate your awards winning Spectre, a link is provided for you below.

ChickaDDD:

A Pulitzer Prize? I'm honored and flattered. The only problem is that entries must have be originally published in a journalistic medium, such as a online news site.

Wasn't Joseph Pulitzer's slogan was "All the News That's Fit to Print"? I hardly think printing The Trouble With Triffids on an inkjet printer as some of you have done qualifies. I would think a "booby prize" or "Darwin Award" might be more appropriate for the screenplay.

spectre

P.S.: I'll have my lawfirm (Howard, Fine and Howard) look into the possibilities. (nyuk, nyuk, nyuk)

Spectre,

This isn't an online news site????? With your submission, I am sure they would CREATE a new catagory for your work.

If you have questions, your people (Howard, Fine and Howard) can contact my people (Whee, Shakem, Down, and How)
and they can do lunch.

Ni.

Spectre,
In our case, the slogan should be "All the News That's Printed to Fit!"

To keep this on topic, here is the latest in high tech precision ergonomic pruning tools:

And below, is the commercial version seen here in a large commercial tree harvesting operation:

{{gwi:1186137}}

Mario:

LOL. You're the one who started this thing and you wait until now to come back in? Anyway, those "pruners" were put to good use in my script.

However, I am surprised that you neglected to mention that the commercial ergonomic model you displayed also comes equipped with tools for farmers. . . it's called a "tractor beam".

spectre

Yes, there must have been gardens and farms...

Mario:

The picture that you posted is from This Side of Paradise which features flowers that shoot spores that turn Spock into an emotional wimp.

Since it involves spores, perhaps you should have posted it in the Fern Forum?

spectre

I'm not totally sure...

Wouldn't you say those plants look tropical?

Now, question of the day - what are those trees in the background?

"Cryptogam" is a word Spock would love.

You have me...their too far away to make an ID, but if I had to guess I'd say either Coast Live Oak or a Eucalytus, a younger Blue Gum, perhaps. And Cady, "cleptoman" is a word many have used to describe me.

spectre

Well now, do you prefer the episode with the tropical plants, or episode 61, where Spock's brain is stolen?

Brain and brain! What is brain?!

Does anyone remember this thread that kept us all so amused two years ago? Now that threads can exceed 100 posts, I thought I'd bump it up for auld land syne. And I appear to have way too much time on my hands, having read thru it all again.

Ginny--thanks!

I popped over here because I realized it had been so long since I'd visited...and wondered how this thread had gotten to the top of the pile again! It WAS fun.

melanie