"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Hell they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, the kids will be here for Thanksgiving."

The boy penquin was kind of shy. The girl pinquin was soaping up and just a washing away. He was even too shy to ask for the soap.

He finally got up the nerve, spoke up, and ask her to pass the soap.

She blew up and yelled, "What do you think I am, a typewriter?!?!"

Secondly, I don't get it.

Kt

Bernie, the T-giving joke took me by surprise...funny!

A penquin walks into a pub and says to the bartender "have you seen my dad?"

The bartender replies, "what does he look like?"

Does that make sense?

Now to the penguin and the bartender. The penguin should answer, "he looks like me". I still don't get it. Maybe it's just me, sorry.

Bernie

The spelling has nothing to do with the joke. It's a penguin joke, no matter how it's spelled.

Haven't any of you ever heard penguin jokes before?

I live closer to penguins in the wild than any of you do, so maybe that's why I understand the joke?

Kt

Does it take place in England?

Still don't get the typewriter/penguin joke.

That joke must be twenty years old. When's the last time you heard someone mention typewriter? That really dates us, you know. My 13-yr-old G-daughter doesn't know what a typewriter is!

Julie, still doing dishes...

I didn't get it either, but she laughed way too hard, which finally made me laugh.

Kt, eating off paper plates...

Bernie

There were two penguins in a bathtub. One said, "Pass me a bar of soap." The other one said, "What do you think I look like? A typewriter?"
Source: grape_1961@internet, 1971

Here is a similar one from the link below, and makes about as much sense..or should I say nonsense.

There were three bears in a bathtub. The one on the left says "Pass me the soap". The one in the middle replies, "What do you think I am, a lightbulb?"
Source: John Gadbois, Durango, CO, 1974

Dogs are raising ole Ned...all 3 of 'em.

Two frogs are in a bathtub. One of them says "Iceberg! Iceberg!" The other one says "What do you think I am, a radio?"
Source: Ara H., Montreal, Quebec, 1976

A Great Christmas Gift

Bernie

Yes, it's a penguin joke...they make no sense, so next time someone asks you if you want to hear a penguin joke, you'll know what you're in for.

When we were kids, there was one mean kid that always picked on everyone no matter who you were. We would get a blank piece of paper and about 5 or 6 of us would gather around and act like we were reading something on it.

When that guy would come close and try to peek at what we were reading we would all start laughing out loud, buckling over and slap our knees, etc as if we just read the funniest joke in the world.

After a short while of laughing, we calmed down and acted like were reading it again, then again, as he came closer and was about to see what we were reading off the blank paper, we would all bust out laughing as if our guts were going to split.

This was repeated a few times until we eventually crumpled up the jokeless sheet of paper and threw it in a garbage can and walked off. Later, as he thought no one was watching, we saw him casually walk over and start digging in the can looking for that hilarious empty sheet of paper.

Stinky Peterson went and told a teacher what he was doing and got him in trouble.

I bet he still wonders what was so funny.

Kt

I see wrecks all the time at DH's salvage yard. What's hard to look at are the insides of the vehicles, how the seats, dashboards, pedals and steering wheels are twisted and crumpled in such "impossible" positions...You can only imagine what happened to the person who was driving, including any passenters. Broken glass scattered all over the interior adds to the sadness of the view.

j

It's from a newspaper clipping, dated Dec. of 2008.

The Joke is not at all funny, but rather the article points out another sad story about how people "at the top" don't have any idea what'g going on in the trenches.

Here's the cartoon:

And the story that goes with it:
(Sorry about the poor quality.)

Julie

Struck a nerve on this one.

Bernie

There's nothing wrong with being 'green' but you need to go about it in a knowledgeable way. From my experience, the general 'green' populace is full of uneducated fools.

They are trying to change something that they know nothing about.

Here in Texas, we have till the end of the year to sell herd bulls without trichomoniasis testing.

Beginning April 1, breeding bulls entering Texas from any other state must be either 24 months of age or younger and certified as a virgin, or be tested negative for cattle trichomoniasis (trich) within 30 days prior to entry. The entry requirements are part of a regulatory package adopted by the Texas Animal Health Commission (TAHC) Feb. 24 to address trich.

A venereal disease of cattle that causes infertility and abortions, and results in extended breeding seasons and diminished calf crops, which costs livestock producers valuable income, cattle trich isn’t a human-health issue. The second phase of the program, which will address in-state movement of Texas breeding bulls, goes into effect Jan. 1, 2010.
...BEEF MAGAZINE

There are far more contagious and harmful diseases out there that need to be addressed before this. What most don't realize, is that a trich test requires THREE negative results before the bull can actually be considered trich-free. Testing fees will take away any profits from the selling of the bull, not to mention all the wasted time involved.

Then we wonder why the country is in the state it is in, and don't give me any of that point the finger at someone else bs, but I guess that's the way things are.

Farming and ranching is getting to be ridiculous with all of the restrictions. Restrictions ARE necessary, but not to the point where we won't be able to feed our own country oneday.

It's easy to put restaints on the farming and ranching community since they are so few of them(us) out there, and getting less, and too busy working for a living as opposed to the majority of the populace who have plenty of time to complain and come up with fees so they can stuff their own pockets.

Kt...enough said

Farming and ranching is getting to be ridiculous with all of the restrictions. Restrictions ARE necessary, but not to the point where we won't be able to feed our own country oneday.

I agree with both of you guys.

It's sad to see (around her, anyway) that there are less and less small farming businesses, because they can't make ends meet, and can't make a decent living to raise a family. Farms are being consolidated or bought up by huge corporate farms.

Didn't mean to strike a nerve, guys, but I just wanted to share how a "joke" to some people is a "thorn in the side" to others.

Julie

Bernie

Kind of makes my penguin/penquin/pinquin joke seem very small or pointless. It made you think, but didn't strike any nerves...

Kt

ID10T !!!!
I used to like him !!!!

Sorry, that's all that's handy to bump with.

Whose IP do you see?
(Don't worry...you all should see only your own...you can't see each others' IP or ISP or what program your computer is running...or what server you're using. Mikie taught me this one a long time ago, and I happened to see it while I was cleaning out my folders:)

Julie

A penguin jumps off an iceberg and yells "Radio!!"

Kt

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

After an hour, one penguin suddenly woke up, jumped to his feet, then savagely slapped the other penguin across the beak.

After realizing that he had just been slapped by his friend, he replied, "Because we're having spam for breakfast!"

OK, the bartender one actually makes sense if you realize that they all look alike, right? No?

Two punk penguins were standing on a street corner when one pulled out a cigarette and asked the second penguin for a light, the second penguin replied, "No, but Yul Brenner."

I actually laughed as soon as I read it, then caught myself saying, "Why am I laughing? I don't get it!" So why was it funny at the time? So I was laughing at anti-humor?

The bar jokes I got from the beginning.

The spam for breakfast makes perfect sense, especially if you imagine the expression on the face of the penguin that had the sense slapped into him.

I still don't "get" why I laughed at the the penguin jumping off the iceberg yelling, "Radio!"

Am I conforming to anti-humor? Oh No!!!!!

j

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact,

"Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s**e**x a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .."

Imagine my surprise when he/she replied, "What do you mean asking me what I'm doing in here. It's a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

baaaaaad, huh

Startled by finding him there, I asked, "Are you OK?"

He replied, "I'm fine."

I said, "Can I get you something?"

He replied, "I told you once!"

I the said, "Told me what?"

He said, "Look, I told you I don't need anything, and you're a doorknob."

Wish Mikie would return with his antics along with Bob and his wisdom and great pics.

Great jokes!

I e-mailed Bob today. He's busy typing newsletters.
I informed him of the test forum clean-up job, and he said he'd try and stop by soon, if he can.

Maybe I should also e-mail Mikie and bug him to come back...remind me to do that after T-giving, everyone.

Julie

Kt

Just post an add here for discounted flip-flops, 3 pairs for the price of 1!!!!

He'll be here posting soon after.

Kt

About half way through she leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Halfway through the sermon, the female penguin leans over and tells her husband that he needs to replace his hearing aid.

He relpies, "Why, did I make noise when I passed gas a moment ago?"

She said, "No, because you left the top drawer on the file cabinet open again last night."

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

Got it!

j

Another good one.

Cat solves printer-problem(with subtitle)

A man is driving around the back woods of Tennessee when he sees this sign in front of a broken-down old house: "Talking Dog For Sale".

He goes to the house and asks the owner about the dog. The owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The man goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he continues, "So, please, tell me your story."

The Lab replies, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. Later, I decided I wanted to help the government, so I went to the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

"Finally, I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for this remarkable dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner says.

"Ten dollars?!" exclaimed the man. "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap."

After showing off his car and taking a long joy ride, they returned home, where the first penguin asks, "So, what do you think of my new car?"

The second penguin replied, "Who do you think you are, Houdini??"

Kt

(I know, not really a penguin joke.)

Bernie

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3)
was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5)
asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4)
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'

DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a w hile and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

I heard the same penquin joke..., the question was the same, but the answer was different.

Q: Why did the penguin cross the road?
A: To get Tiger Woods out of his SUV with a golf club.

Kt

"Dear God, this year
please send clothes for all those poor ladies on Grandpa's computer,
Amen."

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Barney Frank with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . . .. .

'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'

I enjoyed the kid jokes !

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER .........

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a
man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A... Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him...

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.

What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet..

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Q. In all primates, is the male or female responsible for the gender of their offspring?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my penguin?

Oh no, penguin jokes are becoming invasive...spreading, that is, from thread to thread.

J

The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with
them but, I haven't a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The
clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a great time. Today I'm taking
them to the beach."

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
Normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are
You doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
Bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes
Off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the
Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I
Had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it
True that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the
Bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate freeways in Hawaii?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Points to ponder...great brain food for thought.

Keep it up y'all!:)))

j

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man replies, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you."

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do what ever you want."

So, here I am.

Q: What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals?
A: They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

That's the first time Tiger Woods has failed to drive at least 300 yards.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree -- he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver

I find it's a nightmare driving at 2:30 am: sometimes you can't see the Woods for the trees.

Tiger's wife went for him after he scored a birdie.

What was the second worst part of Tiger's car accident? The police found the driver in the trunk.

Q: What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning?
A: His wife wanted to go clubbing.

Q: What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?
A: Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

and...

Hollywood is already making a movie of Tiger's middle years --
"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant"

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart,
Time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. Then he sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit...... third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this story? ..... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!

A man goes to his doctor for a checkup and takes his wife with him. The doctor tells the man he needs a stool and urine sample to which the wife replies "It will be quicker if you just give the doctor your underwear".

jim_6b

A penguin, a preacher, and a Cuban strike up a conversation at a bar.

The Cuban asks the lawyer, "Why is this bird beside us wearing a tuxedo?"

The doctor replies to the Mexican, He's not wearing a tie, he's from Michigan!"

Bernie

The first penguin says, "I want to write a penguin joke."

The second penguin replied, "There's no such thing as a penguin joke because they wouldn't be funny."

The first replies, "That's why I want to be the FIRST to write a penguin joke, and it WILL be funny!"

"Well then," replied the second penguin, "Go ahead and write a penguin joke, but I think it's too cold here, you need to go somewhere that's hotter where you can think more clearly."

"Exactly!" replied the first penguin, "...somewhere hotter...but where?"

H E double L.

I'm going to wind up where they are all yelling 14, 14, 14.

Two microwaves are sittng in a bathtub.
One of them says to the other,"Could you pass the soap?"
The other replies, "What do I look like? A penguin?!"

How to you get an elephant into a fridge?
Open the door, shove in the elephant, and close the door.

How do you get a pinquin into a fridge?
Open the door, take out the elephant, shove in the pinquin and close the door.

(Please say your brain skimmed over and instantly fixed my error.)

Two cupcakes were sitting in the oven.
One cupcake says to the other, "It sure is hot in here"
The second cupcake screams, "OH MY GOD, A TALKING CUPCAKE!"

jim_6b

The priest asys to the female penguin, "Do you take this penguin to be your lawful husband?"

She replies, "Yes, I do."

The priest then asks the male penguin, "Do you take this penguin to be your wife, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health?"

He replies, "Sure, but not without my spare tire."

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa???

Sandy,
Isn't is amazing how the brain skimms over, fixes and forgives, then forgets typing errors?;)))

Julie

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa??? "

Oh, oh, I get that one. It's the penguin that was taking home the bread on his bicycle! Right?

Sure is, Julie. In fact the brainpower being used around here lately is pretty amazing. LOL!

I thought he was telling a fat joke....hmmmmmm

Bernie