Joe,
Your decision to help your brother and nephew is a noble thing. As you stated, your family is growing too. I think that if more people were willing to help, then our society would have a chance. Good on you for doing what you knew in your heart to be the right thing.

Thanksgiving blessings to you and your family.

Pam

IMHO Mom bailed out. Dad hung in,Uncle and aunt are hanging in,Grandma and Grampa are hanging in....
A family!Families come in all forms.
My DH had it the same way. Mom got knocked up in HS(17) and was too busy partying. She abandoned him with a grandparent when he was 3.Everyone else took up her slack. The good side of that is that she didn't bring her bad element around when she visited. Talk about a mixed blessing! Now,she's older and more responsible.She's OK to be around luckily too, but there is and understanding that she's totally self-absorbed. I fight not to allow my disrespect to show. So far it has worked. (That's "how" they abandon/neglect BTW. Unless it's for fun or money there is no point to it in their limited view.)
What a cutie(both) they look like you! I can't give you advice on the living situation really. Play it by ear? Trade off babysitting? I think counceling for everyone to help decide on a plan of action could be very helpful. PJ

Joe, this thing happens a lot more than you think and somehow it always works out. You'll have times when you wish you had privacy but the times you have together as a family will make it worth while.

My daughter and her husband lived with us when they first got married and when their baby came it was harder but we made it work and I'm glad we helped them out.

You'll be blessed by helping and your brother will always remember what you did for him.

Good luck, Carol

You are in at the beginning of what can be a very fulfilling experience. I am glad your brother sees the need to change his life. A list of things that need to change, and activities that would replace them might help focus his mind.
Like finding friends in new places, and taking childrearing classes and a million other things he never thought he'd do.

You might consider a family meeting too, where rules and boundaries are discussed and everyone gets to say their bit.
Like does he think your wife will be doing all the laundry and cooking? Does he think that she will be babysitting? She might be, but then again....

You are right about stepping up to the plate and helping out. That's what families do. And your brother's got a good one.

As one older sibling to another, I think you're doing the nice thing, the compassionate thing, the right thing, the step-up-to-the-plate thing.

Just be sure to spell out in advance what the routines & expectations are to be, & *do not deviate from the agreement*.

Whether the other person is a relative, a roommate, a school friend, a significant other, whatever, it seems like once you go the extra mile or do a little more, you just keep on doing it, & you are *expected* to keep on doing it.

tgl brings up a very good example, the one about "does he think your wife will do all the laundry, etc".

I did lots of laundry for an old boyfriend's children, & it's a thankless task that gets very much taken for granted & that breeds resentment.

It wasn't my place to do it, it just was assumed that I would.

So I did.

& I shouldn't have.

Again, as one older sibling to another, good for you!

"You might consider a family meeting too, where rules and boundaries are discussed and everyone gets to say their bit.
Like does he think your wife will be doing all the laundry and cooking? Does he think that she will be babysitting? She might be, but then again.... "

That's an excellent suggestion. Part of helping him mature into an adult will be to for you to be upfront about what your expectations are. It can be done in a way that immediately makes him FEEL more adult. For example, you could tell him that you and your wife will also need HIS help. The help that you request of him may be no more than that he steps up to the plate and takes responsibility for some of the cleaning and laundry. If this is the first child for you and your wife, you've got a new and sometimes scarey time ahead of you as well. Any efforts he can put forth will be much appreciated by both of you, no? Also, since he's already been through the first time parent thing, you can boost his confidence in himself by maybe asking him what some of the challenges he faced were.

I think if you approach this as a TEAM effort, it will be a good experience for everyone. Give him the opportunity to contribute to the household, and when he does don't be thrifty with the appreciation. At the same time, don't sacrifice the well-being or happiness of you and your wife and child. Have faith that it will work out best for everyone and thank your higher power that your wife, in her delicate condition, was open to this arrangement.

Last of all.....Way to go Joe, you did the right thing. Bless you and your family for being who you are. Any time that your brother and nephew spend with you will be to their benefit. By the way, if you don't mind me asking, what age range are you and your wife in?

Take care of yourself and Happy Thanksgiving.

Kristi

I understand your wanting to help your brother out but what is the environment he is wanting to get away from? Of course your parents have the upper hand on what goes on in your brother life, He is still living in their home so he must go by their rules and he'll have to go by your and your wife's rules, so there no change, he'll still have rules. By him waiting for them to tell him what to do or what direction to go will not change just because he's living with you cause he will now be waiting for you to tell him what to do.
What he needs is to get a job if he doesn't have one and save his money to get an apartment. By all means this is not going to be easy for him at all. It means he'll have no time for going out, no money for going out on dates. It will be just working and coming home taking care of his son. He is so very young to try and take on a responsibility that is at hand but he'll never do it if he's not pushed out the door.
Have you talked to your parents? How do they feel about your decision?
I wish you all the best of luck and I think your a great brother for wanting to help him out.

Some times it is easier to talk to a stranger than a friend or family.
But by the same token we are your cyber family. And will be here for you.

By all means set rules. It sounds like he will really need you guidence, since he is so young to have this responsibility. But it is doable.

I hope all of you had a happy Thanksgiving.
Just to answer some of the easy questions:
I am 26 and I already have a two year old daughter. Also, I am no push-over. Eight years in the military will do that for you.

As far as the other concerns...
When I offered Chris to move in his first question was "have you discussed this with Erin?" He was very concerned about him coming into our house with her being pregnant. He is very self reliant, he cooks/buys his own food and does his own laundry. He is very resposible with C.J. When him and the girl were both staying with my parents he was the only one that did anything for C.J. she couldn't care less about who changed his diapers or fed him.

The 'living' arrangement discussion happened almost immediately after he said he wanted to come to our house.

As far as talking to my parents, I mentioned to them what we were doing but I dont need their permission to do anything. I am 26 and have paid my own bills since I was 18. They feel I am the role model he could have.

We live almost 300 miles away. There is a lot of bad emotions tied up here. He does not have the finances to go anywhere on his own at this time. That why I am offering the help. The girl also causes a lot of problems. Cars have been keyed, egged, written on but we cant prove anything. Lately she has persuaded other males to jump my brother. He can not go anywhere with having a confrontation with a member of her family, or her daily fling. Another reason to get away. He made a mistake but he isn't a bad person. He is an adult and my parents treat him as one, but living at home diminishes a sense of independence. That is what he needs the feeling of independence. As far as rules goes he needs to respect my house, he is not a kid and I wont treat him as one. Sometimes a new place just feels better, it creates a new attitude.

Joe

Oh boy, it sounds as if this girl is big time trouble and it could end up very ugly.
Getting away from her as far as he can would be best. Hope that he doesn't have to let her have the baby for visitations. Her family sounds just as bad as her, I would think they'd want to help him being he's the one taking care of the baby.
Being a single parent can be very hard. I know cause I was one at the young age of 18 I had my son then at 19 I had my daughter then I divorced their father when my daughter was 7 months old, he was very abusive.
Through the years if it hadn't been for my father's help from time to time I don't know what I would have done. I was forever thankful for my dads help.
The military will make you grow up that's for sure. I seen my son in law change over the past eight years with being in the military. He is now out of the Army and going to school in Houston.
I didn't mean to sound as if you needed permission from your parents, I was just thinking of how they might feel with your brother and the baby moving away. It might be a big relief if it stops the girl from coming around causing trouble and they won't have to worry about her getting your brother jumped on or worse. This girl is a nut case.
I wish the best for you all.

"Sometimes a new place just feels better, it creates a new attitude."

Joe, it sounds like your brother is a really decent person. He just found himself in a really bad situation. You couldn't be more right in the above statement. I'm almost 45....have found myself in some bad jams over the years. One thing that I realized years ago is that everything happens for a reason and everything happens for the best. I can't tell you how many prayers I have prayed that went unanswered.....Thank God. And it is so true that the unfortunate life experiences that we endure only make us stronger. You and your brother sound like fine young men. This experience will only bring you closer and for him will lay a very solid foundation for the rest of his life. One positive that he should already benefit from is that he definitely knows now, the kind of people and relationships he should stay far, far away from.

Best of luck with it and I hope you will keep us updated in the coming months. I envision all of you gathered at Christmas, warm in the knowledge that this is a really great situation for all of you. All of the right ingredients are there, now just shake it and bake it, baby :).

Kristi

Excellent advice - Don't tread on momma!

Family is strength.
You are giving your brother and his son an opportunity to have a life, not an existence.
Giving him time and space to heal his wounds and become a man he can be proud to face in the mirror.

You and your wife are good people.
~ Jac

Ug. I've been in almost the same boat as your brother. What a pain. There you are trying to start a new life and go on etc... and a passle of losers are popping out of the wood work to get in your way. It's been a decade since I had to deal with my ex and the company he kept. It was such a relief when they finally got discouraged and went away! You are all in my prayers for a new and positive new beginning for everyone. PJ

Joe, you and your wife (and I know how much you must appreciate her) are taking on a great responsibility, but someday when you see the results of a little help, the sacrifices you are making will just fade away. The only thing I could add to the "advice" is to get a plan - what he is going to do with his life, how long it will take to get there, and is it doable in the alloted time. Good luck to you and yours, you will be in my prayers.

Joe,
You are being a wonderful role model to your brother. It sounds to me like your nephew will have the very best example of what family can be.
I agree with the comments about getting the "rules of the road" out in the open, but it sounds as if your brother is a very responsible person these days.
I hope this fresh start works out well for everyone.
All good things,
GardenSpice

God will surely bless you and your sweet wife for giving of yourselves, your home and your time (and patience!) to help your brother and his little son get a start.

I think you are wise anough to offer him guidance when confused, understanding when things are tough and loving enough to do it well.
Suzi

I've been away fromt he computer for a while, so I'm just now chiming in on this. Joe, you and your family are to be commended for taking in your brother and nephew. My nephew was raised by his grandparents (dh's parents) simply because his parents (dh's brother and sil) couldn't be bothered to spend time with him. They'd drop him off at the grandparents' to be babysat, and wouldn't come to get him for days. Then, when they did pick him up and take him "home" they'd practically turn right around and bring him back to the grandparents. It was no surprise that my nephew thought of his grandparents as his parents. It's been very difficult for him, but at least he had the grandparents' love and support. That's what's the most important. Having parents that didn't really want him around did mess him up some, in spite of the love of his grandparents, but at least he had them. Your brother is to be commended for stepping up and taking on the responsibility of raising his son. Good luck to all of you.

Sally

Ok..Late as usual...
As I looked at those pictures...I just got goosebumps...wow..look at the love in that babies eyes for his daddy and the love in your brothers eyes for his son...
Wow
I say Joe I am so happy for you and your family...sometimes bad situations can turn into the biggest blessings you'll ever have..It did for me!!!
I will tell ya...with family and love its NEVER "perfect hormony" but I think our little tiffs we have can bring us so much closer with the knowledge that we are all different.
And tiffs Im sure you all will have...but in love and respect...
From your words I think your brother will do great...and greater than even he himself believes he will be....look at his foundation..and the love surrounding him...What a beautiful person you and your wife are..
I believe I have been blessed today just reading your words. So I say thank you Joe!
What a lucky little boy C.J. is!!!
With all my prayers heading your way!!
Dena

Well, we are looking at the extra wondering what to do. Chris and CJ are coming down next week. He gave his job the full two weeks notice and then its on!

My tickets for the Cowboys/Eagle just arrived so I going to hold off the rearranging and celebrate with a bowl of ice cream.

Thanks for all the inputs and motivation.

Joe

A tad off subject here. I can see how that baby came to be. Your brother has really pretty eyes.