foung this on another forum.

Dear Family and Friends:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Just a note to let you know I am hoping to see you Christmas Day. But.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this year. IÂm telling you in

advance, so donÂt act surprised.

Since Ms. Stewart wonÂt be coming, IÂve made a few small changes:

My sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a

trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming

lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, my guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the

traditional swags of Christmas lights and garland I had planned to make. Instead, IÂve

gotten the thrift store involved in the decorating by buying a dusty wreath to hang

on the front door and letting the dog track snow into the entry way.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or

crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will

get a fork. Since this IS Christmas, we will refrain from using the plastic

Peter Rabbit plate and the pink napkins from last Easter.

The centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I

promised. Instead I will be displaying a tree-like decoration hand-crafted

from the finest construction paper. The thrift store assures me it is a Christmas

tree.

We will be dining fashionably late. The television will entertain you while you

wait. IÂm sure those guests who arrived early will be happy to share every choice

comment I have made regarding Christmas, cooking and the turkey hotline. Please

remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that

the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the entertainment, I will play a recording of tribal

drumming. If anyone should mention that I donÂt own a recording of tribal

drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a

clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

I toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of

our feast. In the end, I chose to keep my traditional method. IÂve also

decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds,

please gather around the table and sit where you like.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front

of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner.

For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress

"private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh

at me. Do not send anyone to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The

turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my diners that "passing

the rolls" is not a football play, nor is it a request to bean another guest

in the head with warm tasty bread.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between

12 different scrumptious desserts, I will be serving the traditional pumpkin

pie, garnished with whipped cream. You will still have a choice - take it or leave it.

I hope you arenÂt too disappointed that Martha Stewart will not be dining with

us this Christmas - she probably wonÂt come next year either.

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