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eddie_ga_7a

Worst Garden Writer?

eddie_ga_7a
20 years ago

This may start a WAR but who is the worst garden writer you have read? I nominate myself because on another post a person said an article I wrote was the ablosute worst thing he had ever read and that reading it was like swallowing broken glass. Also, several years back I was one of the winners of the "Worst Garden Writing" contest in Green Prints. Any other nominees? Be nice (if one can be nice while slamming others)

Comments (69)

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    John,
    I just bought Lewisias at Home Depot. Where the heck did they get ahold of them? Can you imagine?

    Good "bad bamboo garden writing" titles.
    Here are more:

    "Leptomorphs: From Here to Eternity"

    "Don't Shoot"

    "Night of the Living Rhizome"

    "How Green Was My Moso"

  • John_D
    19 years ago

    Probably from a PNW grower. They're very common in our nursery shops each spring. I used to kill the ones I planted until a nursery owner told me not to put them into the ground but plant them in a pot instead and move them out of the rain, under an overhang, in winter. So far it seems to be working.

    More bamboo titles:

    Bad Seed.

    The Flower Doom Song.

    Reaching For The Sky.

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    I'm putting them in a scree trough. Right now they're in a sand-potting mix on the windowsill, but after some research, I decided to put them in a coarser material. I learned that they need acidic soil, so they can't go with the thyme and other chalk-lovers. Fussy critters.

    Space Invaders

    The Culm Before the Storm

    Raising Cane

    Am I My Bamboo's Keeper?

    How Stella Got Her Yellow Groove Back

  • John_D
    19 years ago

    Cady:
    That sounds like a good approach, They are fussy about too much moisture -- you ought to see the sere places where they live in the wild.

    Bamboozled.

    The Culminator.

    A Culm Grew in Brooklyn

    Culming Home.

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    If the conditions are anything like the ones in New Hampshire's White Mountains (where many rare alpines grow), I have a good idea of the dry environment that's natural habitat for Lewisia. I'm determined to keep these specimens from developing crown rot. They are blooming right now, and seem to be fine. Once they're done flowering, I'll cut the water drastically.

    Culm Up and See Me Sometime
    Citizen Cane
    The Big Bambu
    Node Time For Sergeants
    Fargesia and Away

  • John_D
    19 years ago

    They're too early if they're blooming right now. I wonder if they were forced.

    If you can create White Mountain conditions, you should be fine.

    I'm running out of movie titles (considering I rarely watch movies), but here's one more:

    Bambu, the story of a deer.

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    I figured they were forced, since their natural bloom time supposedly starts in May. Lewisia foliage is unremarkable, so the plants would have to be in flower for Home Depot to consider selling them. Some PNW nursery must have made a special order.

    I think we've used up the Bad Bamboo Writing category. Time to move on to another garden category (conifers, maybe: Tales from the Cryptomeria...La Cage a Foliage) or let someone else contribute bad garden writing!

    Cady
    P.S. Catcher in the Rhizome (The story of a young, confused bamboo barrier installer.)

  • John_D
    19 years ago

    I like Tales from the Cryptomeria, and isn't there something about Death and Taxus?

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    Yew bet, there is!

    Then, there's:
    Sir Arthur Conifer Doyle's The Adventures of Hemlock Holmes

    Kipling's How the Chamaecyperus Got Its Hump (a paeon to C. obtusa bun-form cultivars)

    Cedar House Rules

    The Wreck of the HeSPRUCE

    and, the coniferous remake of Fargesia and Away: Fir and Away.

  • John_D
    19 years ago

    I'm a tad slow this morning, but how about

    Pine and Prejudice

    The Taming Of The Spruce

    and

    Mother Spruce?

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    Not bad. How about an open botanical category now:

    The Prince and the Pawpaw
    Raiders of the Lost Bark
    The Wizard of Osmanthium
    Begonia with the Wind
    The Perfect Corm
    Deep Space Pine
    Tubby the Tuber
    Iron Schefflera
    Tree's Company
    Born Freesia
    Roots

  • John_D
    19 years ago

    Let's see"

    Antimony and Clematis

    The Heart of Mistletoe

    Cranberry Row

    East of Echium

    From Ragweed to Beeches

    Skimmia Irises' Ride

    Wattles and Pears

    The Gums of Notocactus.

    What am I doing? I need to wake up and thaw out the bird baths.

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    heh heh.
    I need to be writing a marketing publication. Anyway, we've come up with enough bad garden writing titles to keep the atrocious would-be authors busy for years. Go thaw the birdbaths.

    Cady

    P.S.
    Pollyannathus
    Beeches
    The Pittosporum and the Pendulum
    Malus Aforethought
    Guys and Dahlias

  • John_D
    19 years ago

    The bird baths are thawed and the robins are splashing.

    Did you ever see

    The Crucifer

    or read

    The Grapes of Lath?

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    No, but I've sung
    Kale to the Chef

  • John_D
    19 years ago

    How about

    The Cattle Heading For The Turnips?

    or

    O Papayá?

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    I do like humming tunes from Okrahoma.
    Surry With The Fringe Tree On Top is my favorite. But I relate best to Poor (V.) juddii Is Dead because it touches so close to home.

  • tengrain
    19 years ago

    Portrait of the Artist as a Young Mum
    Olive Twist
    Return of the Native (hey, I didn't even have to change this one!)

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    heehee :)

  • John_D
    19 years ago

    Hee Hee? Shouldn't that be "Ha Ha"?

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    Hm. I couldn't decide. Guess I'm a fence sitter...

  • John_D
    19 years ago

    I guess that's better than splitting rails.

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    Ha Ha. (Never seen a split-rail ha ha...)

  • John_D
    19 years ago

    You'd most certainly feel one, however. :-)

  • pinetree30
    19 years ago

    I have just collected all of the above into a single volume bound in papyrus, and I plan to keep all the profits for myself, and if you don't like that you can go take a flying fish. But I need a title.

  • John_D
    19 years ago

    The Worst Of The Wurst?

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    I Never Promised You a Prose Garden?

  • tengrain
    19 years ago

    "Of Micanthus and Men"

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    To Kill a Mock Orange

  • carolann_z8
    19 years ago

    Ditto on the Dirt Doctor.

    I never knew you guys had a sense of humor.
    I'm guessing that you're making these titles up.
    I love the one "I Never Promised You a Prose Garden".

    Here's my garden poem for the day.

    Spring has sprung.
    The grass has riz.
    I wonder where my flowers is.

    Does this poem make the top 10 worst writers award?

  • John_D
    19 years ago

    Yup. I think it qualifies.

  • carolann_z8
    19 years ago

    Thanks John D.
    I will now take a bow.

    Hey, do I get a boobie prize?

  • John_D
    19 years ago

    Print out this thread, frame it, and hang it from your parlor wall. :-)

  • carolann_z8
    19 years ago

    Gosh, this is a great arts and crafts project and will look wonderful on my wall.
    Thanks John.

  • lovetogarden
    19 years ago

    I am absolutely astonished at how many lousy gardening books and for that matter, lousy books in general, are out there. I'm amazed that there are publishers out there willing to publish some of this junk. Having said that, I've come to the conclussion that either the authors are paying to have their junk published or they are not making any money on their books, either from the public or the pub. company itself. I wonder why companies even bother publishing a book that isn't going to sell??? Just my opinion!

  • Cady
    19 years ago

    If you look at the discount books flooding some of the bargain stores, you'll get an idea of what's going on. Publishing houses have tons of books cheaply printed in China -- costs little to publish them -- then it seems they go directly to discount bins for ridiculous prices (I have paid as little as $3.99 for gardening books from a British publishing companie that prints in China). The sidewalk book rack at the local Borders bookstore always has discounted softcover garden books -- $6.99, $7.99 -- and the retail price printed on the inside dustjacket says $25 to $45.

    What I've noticed is that these books tend to come from the same few publishing companies -- Hermes, Paragon to name two. They just crank them out, using prolific English garden writers like Peter McHoy as the authors. They re-use a lot of the same photos and basically just throw together a quick and inexpensive book. Some are pretty good while others are dismal.

  • BradHort
    18 years ago

    How about Jerry Baker. His first book 'Plants are like People' was pretty good, but everything since has been downhill. If it's a garden gimmick he will jump on and tell people to do it. Following label directions doesn't seem to concern him.

  • happyhoe
    18 years ago

    One of the worst garden writers, I have read was the garden columnist in my home town. In an article that she wrote on fruit trees she refered to tha apple family, the pear family, the plum family, the peach family, the apricto family and the cherry family. Lady they are all in the same family, the rose family! She died recently so that torture is gone.

    There is a writer on the web that 'invented' a sowing practice that is a horrible writer.

  • trudi_d
    18 years ago

    Slime~n~Slide!

    Fun by the foot for every yard! Make yours today.

    All you need for your own Slime~N~Slide are six full bags of fresh grass clippings and a narrow garden path to lay them in.

    First, mark out your path. I used old tree limbs, though bricks, rocks or spaghetti laid out end to end can work just as well.

    Next, spread out your grass clippings--be sure to lay them at least 6" thick, more if you can!

    Now, wait about a week. During this time the wonderful magic of Slime~n~Slide's "Restorative Organic Transformation" (patent pend.) will miraculously turn the inner core of grass clippings into the thick dark green ooze which is the secret to Slime~n~Slide's international growing success.

    To use your Slime~n~Slide simply take three steps up the path and be ready for the slide of your life! Your friends will laugh with side-splitting hilarity as your right foot slips forward, locking your knees--causing your legs and pants to do a synchronized full split right to the ground!

    For more fun and games Slime~n~Slide can be reloaded with ease. Simply cover over the exposed inner core with more dried grass clippings, sit back in your lawn chair, and wait to watch the fun.

    Use Slime~n~Slide at those long all-day never-ending boring block parties or family BBQs. It's sure to become the hit of the party. Take turns luring great aunts or that cranky old neighbor down the proverbial slippery path.

    Get Slime~N~Slide today! It's your path to slippery good fun!
    ================================

    Slime-N-Slide is a registered trademark of TrudiCo Enterprises. If it's TrudiCo it's ROT.

  • trudi_d
    18 years ago

    There is a writer on the web that 'invented' a sowing practice that is a horrible writer.

    She's a HORRENDOUS writer!
    Oh my gawd, she writes like she speaks and that Long Island syntax is just theeeeee worst.

    Butt, ummmm, that invention thing. I don't think you could ever find The Writer saying that. As a matter of fact, you should search for a while and then paste in the link for it. I would LOVE to see a link.

    Despite The Writer's far-less-than 101 writing skills, the information got out there to the public and is now has NAL guidance.

    Someday, I could actually learn where to put in all the commas and the proper use of a semi-colons, but I'm not sure when I'll have time.

    'til then....

    PS......I'm positive The Writer is delighted to find someone--anyone--who calls her a writer, even to just diss ;-)

  • trudi_d
    18 years ago

    Three months pass.....unavenged ;-(

  • little_dani
    18 years ago

    I think the Dirt Doctor is kin to Dan Rather.

    Trudi, I don't think you a horrible writer, and I thoroughly enjoyed WSing last winter, and will happily do it again this winter.

    Janie

  • trudi_d
    18 years ago

    Ahhh, a hero at last ;-) Thank you Janie.

    I freely admit being a housewife who stumbled onto a miracle ;-) If I kept that information to myself it would have been a sin. I have, since then, bought a few books on syntax and grammer, though I am still bewildered by commas, semi colons, and the elusive--double dash--used to highlight specific points. Most of the books I've bought to assist me with WS are about human psychology (motivations), leadership, dealing with idiots (troll control) differentiated learning and html. Grammer, because of a far greater need for the others, still remains overshadowed and at the bottom of the list for writing skills.

    I'll never earn a GWA award, I probably won't ever get one of Eddie's adorable Green Thingies. And I also won't ever make much of a nickel off of WS because I WANT it kept Fair Use. WS is my intellectual property, I locked it up very early on with CRs, and I sought an AgNIC partnership to further protect that. Because of the partnership it MUST all remain as/and continually be created for Fair Use. Anyone, at any time, may copy and duplicate all WS information or photos for educational.nfp.critic use. I don't have to be contacted and I don't even have to be mentioned. From my personal/emotional point of view, Fair Use also eliminates a lot of justification angst that anyone of us would feel if we were to see our words and methods in another body of work, without, at least, a mention of our name(s) as source. This used to be very frustrating to me. VERY frustrating. After I accepted Fair Use as a concept of my heart, rather than a too-bad/too-sad reality, I was able to focus the direction towards educational provision ;-) and write more about the means than the visual results.

    I am currently writing (not sure you would/should call it that) interactive educational exercises, otherwise known as quizzes and puzzles, for the website. They teach with term/concept repetition as the learning tool. They work by user input. This, for me, is where accuracy is most important. As an example, Marrubium vulgare is horehound and not hoarhound--though both seem to be used interchangably. I verified with the NAL Thesaurus, which now has a server that cranks out search results as fast as google. (HOORAY!)

    Janie, I'm glad you're WSing, I'm glad for everyone who does. WS is like pulling a rabbit out of hat, except that it's not one rabbit. And we all KNOW what rabbits do.

    They make easy to strew about, mild to use, fertilizer raisinettes for our gardens ;-)

    Vive la Bunny.

  • winter_unfazed
    18 years ago

    I'd nominate Gaylord Moore, our extension horticulturist. He writes a column in the paper.

  • pickwick
    18 years ago

    ....I am just visiting;
    It may be of interest to garden writers how words tend to lose their original and historic meaning over time.If I could refer to this new method of "winter sowing" by any other name, I would ...

  • trudi_d
    18 years ago

    I can understand your point of view Pickwick ;-)

  • PRO
    Nell Jean
    18 years ago

    I'm a big fan of doing what works. Trudi's methods have to be adapted in my climate. She knows that; I know that. The big picture is, IMHO, if you never try you never get results. That applies to sowing seeds in any season or writing a column for the locals.

    The bottom line is the bottom line, regardless. Was a good time had by all?

    Nell

  • inkognito
    18 years ago

    Should we ask the webmaster for a separate forum on winter sowing do you think, because this is the writers forum?

  • Eddie_GA
    18 years ago

    Winter unfazed made me snicker by recommending his Extension Horticulturist (didn't they used to call them county agents?). Some of them do write like they're quoting Extension literature: Plant seed A in hole B at depth C on date D. How exciting.
    But INKognito really made me laugh. I think there IS a separate forum (somewhere) on Winter Sowing. Sounds like something that people have just discovered but that nature has been doing all along. In fact, in climates that have winter, that is the ONLY way nature does it.

  • trudi_d
    18 years ago

    I like what FoxesEarth (nice name!) says--it is everything. If you don't make an effort to do something it will never happen.

    I have on my wall a favorite Shakespeare quote which I have taken to heart--

    Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.

    How many writers have put down a pen and quit a piece because someone asked them WHY they were writing it? or WHO would read that? Should you continue, despite the snide remarks, those who made them will step them up because What's the matter with YOU? Didn't you get the hint that you were told you to QUIT? How many times and how many ways are you going to have to be told until you finally GET IT?