This is a boastful parody of Gilbert and Sullivan's Modern Major General, which was written as one of my Rabbit Ridge essays from 1993. I've posted it to other lists before, but for giggles I thought I'd do it here, too.

I am the very model of a modern major gardener,

with every pest my enemy and every bloom my partn-er.

I scrutinize the listings in the newest nursery manuals

and thoroughly have trained myself in handling of perennials.

I'm practiced in the use and care of half a hundred garden tools,

I know the mixing ratios for all the two-stroke motor fuels,

I highly value safety and I follow the most stringent rules -

And I never fill my mower until well after the engine cools!

He never fills his mower until well after the engine cools

he never fills his mower until well after the engine cools

he never fills his mower until well after the engine, engine cools!

I know my taxonomy from Abutilon to Zinnia;

I know a sickly yucca from a juvenile dracinia;

With every pest my enemy and every bloom my partn-er,

I am the very model of a modern major gardener!

I sieze all opportunities for hunting beetles Japanese,

and if I please, on bended knees, I greet the eager honeybees.

Should aphids dare to venture there,

I'll spare no care toward their dispair,

but share my garden fair with any mantis gallavanting there!

Of grafting, double-digging and deadheading I know quite a bit.

Whatever you would care to name I'll wager I have planted it.

To purchase fertilizer, I don't buy just any brand of ... manure...

and I'm always careful with my speech and you can count on that for sure!

He is always careful with his speech and you can count on that for sure,

he's always careful with his speech and you can count on that for sure,

always careful with his speech

and you can count on that for, that for sure!

Then I can re-create the hanging gardens of old Babylon,

or grade a level lawn for you to put a picnic table on.

With every pest my enemy and every bloom my partn-er

I am the very model of a modern major gardener!

In fact when I know what is meant by "chloroplast" and "cambium;"

When I can tell at sight mite infestation on geranium;

When black spot, mildews, smuts, rust, scorch and dodder I'm more wary at,

and when I know precisely what is in Lasso and Lariat,

then I can drape a table with the harvest's flavor subtleties,

Or spread a bed of flowers making color for your eye to see.

In short, when I can please the various senses with such things as these -

You'll say a better Major Garden-er has never stained his knees!

For I've applied my genius to the wond'rous field of Botany

where I find fascination where most others find monotony;

with every pest my enemy and every bloom my partn-er,

I am the very model of a modern major gardener!

- Alex Silbajoris

The complete set of essays is here:

http://www.angelfire.com/oh/alexsleaves/essays.html