Hey, you've both got to sit down and discuss this and AGREE to compromise. As long as you both want it done your way, there will be anger and resentment and arguments.
Sit together, face to face, and let him talk, not argue about what he FEELS (or needs to feel) is the right way. Don't interrupt no matter how wrong you think it is. It's what he feels and perceives. That is valid. AND ACKNOWLEGE THAT. You do the same.

Forget the garden. It's some kind of power and control issue. You need to get that resolved in order to go on with your lives.

What can you both do to give power to each other without it stepping on toes?? It takes strength and courage to let something go, let something ride...not fight it, for the benefit of the relationship.

Think of a triangle..there's you, there's him, and then there's the relationship...what do you need to do better to make that relationship better? That relationship has to be fed with positives in order to survive and have strength for when the REAL negatives come along like sick babies, car problems, money problems,etc.

Either compromise or one of you should have no input in the garden. This style is going to continue in your relationship unless you both agree to disagree and have methods to deal with how to resolve it.

You relationship needs some "tools" and "skills" so that you can deal with these things when they happen. Gardening isn't ruining your relationship, the way you guys deal with conflict is ruining it. Neither of you realizes that if you GIVE, you GET....it can't be all me, me, me, me....I'm right, you're wrong...

Both of you will end up RIGHT if you keep on, but you'll both be alone and right! COMPROMISE!

JuneLynn:

I thank you, I thank you. I wish I could grow up faster. Both my boyfriend and I have been doing things our way for so long, it's really causing a DENT in OUR growth together. I will take your advice and let the outside garden go and nourish the inside one to keep the peace!

With gratitude,

Catnip

Although I agree with the above comment, I also see that there is more than one way to garden, and if you can deal with each other more constructively, you could also agree to split the garden in half and each do his own thing...and then you'll both see that both ways are probably fine!

But, yes, the garden is not the problem. The current status of the relationship is the problem. And you don't necessarily have to say forget the garden, as this may lead to a pattern of always giving in. Let the garden be your laboratory to test your newly acquired skills, realizing that a few mistakes in the garden are better than a bigger mistake, like marrying before you have learned to have a healthy relationship.
Good luck.

Do we need a new forum for this kind of query?

"Garden Supports" comes to mind. Any others out there?

Have seperate areas and don't treat it like a competition. Each of you will have your own space to try your own ideas and can see what works. You will gain experience and then can begin to work together in an area. Or the way it is around here. My husband uses the power (tiller) and I do the garden. :) good luck.

I agree with you Annie about not "giving in" everytime. That would not allow either one of us to learn anything. When I read all of ya'lls thoughts, it is confirmed that the underlying problem is relationship skills.

And John, thank you for your sense of humor to the post. I really felt bad bringing this topic to the GARDEN FORUM for Gods sake,lol. Gardener's Anonymous comes to MY MIND! lol.

But you're right Annie, the "garden" can be the lab for putting new healthy relationship skills to work. WHEW is it HARD! I have become a garden addict bordering on thinking about or reading about something 24/7. It's one of the most interesting challenges ever posed to me.

Thanks again everyone and may your garden grow. :)

My wife is my best friend and a wonderful person. She accepts that I am the gardener in the family because it means so much to me. Whenever she (rarely) offers to help in the garden it is no help because she has a different view and agenda from mine. It is best that she prefers the air-conditioning and the easy chair with a good book. I am proud that she is so well read and I suppose she is proud of the garden. So how is it for you in the house, are you a neatnick and him the opposite? Tell him you are listening but after hearing what he has to say you are entitled to an opinion of equal value and consideration from him. Is he listening to you since you are the well-read one? Give us the specifics on how he wants to amend the soil and how you want to amend the soil and we will be glad to pass judgment. Heck, we'll even start arguing among ourselves.

In gardening, there is no absolutely "right" way of doing anything ... and this seems to be playing right into a need for a power struggle.

Perhaps you should BOTH take some classes in gardening from a local rec center or county agriculture department to get the experienced gardener's way of doing things.

Splitting the garden for some "experiments" in his way and your way is a good idea. In all honesty, in the Georgia clay, as long as either way of amending results in more organic matter in the soil, it's a good method. Layering and no-till is EASIER, but tilling in a large amount also works.

Thinning out the woods ... do this after you find out what you have, because some of those straggly trees might be dogwoods and other small species that are worth keeping. On the other hand, if it's a pine that looks like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree and you have larger healthy ones in the mix, clear it and make room for the larger ones. Those "doghair" thickets are unhealthy and prone to diseases.

In response to how we are amending the soil: Yes, we are layering but we used up alot of humus doing flower beds and now the compost is less than perfect, and he doesn't want to use it on the ground because it's not "DONE" yet. But, his "done" and the composts "done" are two different stories. It's not all chunky, it's really mixed up nicely with soil and everything. I think it's ok to put it on there. He's very protective of his COMPOST! lol
I say, use it! it's gonna decompose all fall and winter into spring anyways! sigh. We have grass clippings and newspaper on this one area and it looks asethically crappy, so I just mentioned that pinestraw on top would make it look better and he says we have to go get topsoil THEN put the pinestraw on. SIGH. I agree that everything we pile on the clay is going to help. He says we don't have to till it in (even with a pitchfork or spade) and that we can just keep it moist on top of the clay and next spring it will be amended. I agree with this, but I am getting bulbs to plant and I want to plant them IN THIS AREA, so I feel that mixing the amendments in at least the first 3 to 6 inches will help the bulbs now. I think we need to rent a tiller and till the living "*$&%*&$" outta these two particular areas but he claims that would create this clay pan which would make it worse and since it's close to the house it might affect our foundation! I think this is preposturous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In response to the trees: The only thinning I'm thinking about doing is getting rid of already DEAD trees, limbs, etc. Plus, we have 8 million trillion magnolia trees; none of which bloomed because they are competing so desperately against one another nobody has any room! We have all these tiny little magnolias that we keep trying to get people to come and get (hopefully now that fall has arrived they will). I just want healthy happy trees that have room to prosper. We live on an acre of woodlands and I love it that way, but I know there is a way to live in the thicket, provide wildlife shelter etc, but have healthy trees. I want to get rid of this KUDZU from H-- and some honeysuckle. Both have strangled some very beautiful trees and bushy shrubs.

There! That should be enough to keep everyone talking for a week. LOL

PS My boyfriend and I had a very long talk last night. There will be no more arguing and fighting over compost, etc. Like lazygarden said, ANYTHING we do out there will help and believe it or not.. we AGREE on that! I have to let my boyfriend do "his" thing and have fun outside just like I do. I have to give a little even if I'm the one doing the reading, etc. We both enjoy watching Walter Reeves on PBS, and Paul James on HGTV as our together gardening lessons. My boyfriend does have his projects outside that he ALONE resides over - it's the waterfall pond project but I stole him away from that to help do raised beds and amend the front. I think this weekend, we'll go back to our designated corners and enjoy our yard again.

His way would be incredibly slow for amending the soil below the mulch - I'm talking years. So I disagree with this method of amending the soil. Once it IS amended this might be the proper way to mulch. His statement that tilling would create clay pan and affect the foundation is as preposturous as it sounds. Can these ideas be documented?

Ok, let me clarify ONE thing and see if this only confuses you more Eddie. He is doing the LASAGNE gardening in the area where he's only topping the clay. But I'm like "what about the bulbs"? So, if we're doing lasagne layering on top, will the bulbs be ok? Also, how high do the lasagne layers have to be for bulbs? I do agree with you that whole CLAY PAN and foundation thing is B--S. And what has made me mad is when he tries to ACT like he knows what he's talking about when he doesn't, but if I refute it, he gets mad. So I give up convincing him of anything. lol
Basically I'm gonna try to get him out of my area and focus back on his pond/waterfall. I'll secretly TILL the front when he's away on retreat!~ LOL :) yeah!~

Catnip -
Love the Kudzu growing tips. I always wondered what Georgia gardeners did to make it flourish like that.

"We have grass clippings and newspaper on this one area and it looks asethically crappy, so I just mentioned that pinestraw on top would make it look better and he says we have to go get topsoil THEN put the pinestraw on. SIGH."

There is no single "recipe" for lasagna layers ... just use what you have instead of importing stuff. During the winter, run all the dead stuff and the scrawny stuff through a chipper and use it for more layers.

About the tree thinning -- consider leaving a few dead trees ("snags"), especially since you have a acre. Woodpeckers use them for "graneries", any holes make snug little homes for wildlife, and birds and animals pick insects out from under the dead bark.

I've noticed that wildlife sometimes seems to prefer one dead tree to another. If you can determine which dead trees are already in use, you might want to keep those.

It's possible that some dead trees might actually be asthetic. I once saw a tall stump with a vine growing on it, and it was kinda romantic.

Since you like to read, you might enjoy doing some research on how to be a responsible tree-owner in your particular region. For example, here in California where it can be very dry, there's quite a bit of info available on what to do if you have an oak on your property (which species are most valuable, what to do and not do within the drip-line, etc).

Also, there's probably some info out on thinning - perhaps leaving trees of different ages, or some such.

This info might help you and your boyfriend make a more objective decision about which trees to thin.

My 2 cents ...

Sorry to disturb you, I thought this was a forum for garden writers. Silly me, excuse my intrusion, carry on with your banality.

ACJ:

You are absolutely right. If garden writers want to discuss their writing, by all means, I will release them from the torment of replying to my post. Please people, no more opinions on my post - get on with your techniques of garden writing. Plenty of room for everyone I thought.

I think I'll go crash the "Organic Gardeners" Forum next! (tee hee)

ACJ -- I have to admit I shared your feelings when I first saw this post, thinking, "why would someone think garden writers are more amenable to giving advice than anyone else?" But the group proved me wrong. This has been an active thread this week, and lots of people have shown me their writing styles and humor. I got to wondering if catnip just had a better way of drawing people out than I did!!

I have to say though, your abrasiveness to this thread raises a question for me -- how come you haven't responded to my thread asking what people want from this forum? You seem often to be frustrated with what goes on here, so please, tell me what you are looking for here?!? (See my post, "what do you want from this forum?")
Linda

Linda: I have been doing just that for a long time. If you look back over the archives of this forum you will see my 'wants' expressed. You will see my attempts to find others here with the same interests. I am not bragging but you will find me to be the oldest and most prolific (not much competition there) member. When a thread such as this gets 12 replies and one containing the best garden related poem I have read for a long time, gets 3 it makes me wonder. If I were not so thick I would realise that I am alone in what I want, yet every now and then the missed opportunity annoys me.

A while back Poinsetta and Elizabeth disagreed with one another on almost everything and now they are both gone. In their own way they were both right and fairly civil just opionated. I took acj's comment as humorous. Quite witty I thought. Everyone knows we will have off-topic posts now and then - remember Lisa?
I think this topic has added some liveliness to this forum although true it is not about garden writing it does show the influence of Pat Lanza's book "Lasagna Gardening"

Also ... Catnip has the beginnings of a REALLY funny article about how compost happens, and if it happens to your relationship it can bring it to the teetering edge of ruin, or at least sulking in the snapdragons.

You guys sound like candidates for "Designing for the Sexes" on HGTV. You could be their first landscape clients.

I have no business here, since I was just searching the forums for threads on lasagne gardening, but I just have to interject a comment!! Catnip, you are SOOOO lucky your boyfriend shares your love of gardening!!! My boyfriend (who I love dearly) doesn't. He isn't against it, but isn't overjoyed at the thought of spending time on his knees in the yard up to his elbows in soil with his butt sticking up in the air, as I am. He drops me off at the Nursery to browse and comes back for me later to help me haul my purchases home. I'm not complaining, mind you, but I would love it if he wanted to help me build a compost pile or had something he really, really wanted to try growing this year. Even if he got interested all of a sudden and started telling me I was doing it all wrong, I'd just laugh at him and hand him a trowel. So count your blessings, young lady!! :-)

this is an OLD POST!
We have definately learned how to work together. We definately both have our place in our garden. He is an asset and we both love doing our different 'chores' and favorite things for our land.
Thanks for the encouragement though. We cannot ever disregard our loved ones!

Here is a link that might be useful: Izotzaeche: The Icehouse

oh my gosh, it sure is old. I didn't even look at the dates! :-( just ignore me! lol

Gardening is a great place to build relationships, not ruin them.

I've healed many a sore wound by turning over an old piece of sod. It's physical - gets it out of your system. You can't hurt anyone ..well not really...unless you hurl a rock at them..and I've done that...and then you can walk away when you're finished with your nose in the air, thinking what a beautiful job you did clipping something down to size!

Then, when the fight's over - (unless you've come back for more) you can sit down and have a beer together and enjoy some wonderful music, right in your own backyard...it's a piece of cake...a great chance to forget your own ego and think of the plants!

My parents kept separate gardens for all of their 64 years of married life. They each had a vegetable garden and a flower garden. The competition kept us well fed and living in beautiful surroundings, bless their hearts.

and they lived happily ever after in their Garden of Eden...

I shall take that as a friendly comment.

Catnip, do post on the Organic Forum. Some of us miss hearing from you. There is a Conversations page on Organic now, which would be a good place to post and get opinions on your dilemma.

Hello all you Garden Writers!
I just read this entire post. How funny how time heals all wounds! I sound so lame back in 2002, lol! I can see that even at the dawning of 40, I too, am capable of changing for the better. My relationship HAS grown as well as my garden.

Back in 2002, ACJ was sort of "put-out" that I posted my feelings here in the "garden writers" forum. To his dismay, this thread got alot of responses. I believe that eventhough my "story" was non-fiction, it was a story nonetheless, and I think we all contributed alot and learned alot.

Althea, thanks for remembering me and I'll jump on over to the organic forum. I miss ya'll too!

Garden Writers: thank you for the space :*)

To Each-
His Own-

"The nipper"

Here is a link that might be useful: Charles & Lisa and